Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Back at chemo. I’m struggling with this more and more…not the chemo itself but how tired and absolutely unmotivated I am to do the most basic things. Sunday night was sad, as it would be for everyone restarting chemo again. While the nurses were happy to see me, once everyone realized it was for chemo – everyone was sad again.

My only observation is that I’m cold and exhausted so far. Monday’s chemo wasn’t bad, I had to sign a lot of different documents but still it went. I wasn’t thrilled to have the student nurse working on me, but I needed to shut that part of my brain off. I don’t like the way she cleans my lumens, and feel like she waves it around too many times and makes a lot of unnecessary motions around the lumens. I have to shut down that part of the brain.

Beyond that has been my battle with CVS, Accredo, Express Scripts and COH Pharmacy. The Drama: COH Pharmacy says Express Scripts has changed and no longer allows COH to fill the medication and I need to go to Accredo. Prescription was then transferred to Accredo who tells me they can not fill it as the medication is not fillable because it is not part of home delivery stock. Express Scripts tells me the same thing and says that CVS Pharmacy can fill it…and goes even as far as running a test claim. CVS Pharmacy has it in their system for a few days then says today, they can not fill it. COH Pharmacy calls me and says now they CAN fill it.

Sigh.

I loved my old job. I was very good at it. But it made me into a very different person. A person that was intolerant of incompetence, a person who was judgmental of people who lacked basic principles of due diligence and reasonable care. In my home life, I’m a hot mess…I can’t juggle anything. Most things just pile up and I just let it be and be some more. At work, everything has to be just so. It’s my OCD. Everything was controlled.

I don’t like that person anymore. I don’t like being wound so tight that the entire rubber band ball could just explode. I don’t know if I want to go back to this career. I don’t know if it’s for me…can I really go back to my old ways and be a different person? Will I not just jump back in and be that person again? But what do I do then? How do you pivot a career?

Todays’ chemo wasn’t bad either, thought it made me more exhausted, I’ll need blood tomorrow. I will need to be motivated enough to cook and pack lunch for the kids and I tomorrow morning. I will likely just pack a PBJ and call it a day and be grateful and happy if I can choke down the sandwich. I have some two day old overnight oats that I still haven’t eaten…I will likely need to get rid of it. I’ll do it tomorrow as I don’t have the energy to do it tonight. I don’t have much of anything right now as my cup is dry.

Tomorrow is a busy day that starts with me trying to connect with COH Pharmacy to confirm if the medication can be ready for pick up and I’ll have J drive over to pick it up. This is insane and exhausting for sure. But we pivot and keep trying.

I got asked why I don’t share this on social media that I would be able to reach more readers and get more followers. Realistically, I like my anonymity. I’m afraid that I would hold back if I lost that anonymity – I would be afraid to lose my ability and desire to be authentically me. Here I can say what I think and if any reader doesn’t like it – they just could simply not read it. But on social media…I would be out there and my children would be out there, J would be out there…I don’t like that. I don’t do this for more popularity or followers or readership. I do this for me. I do this for therapy – I do this to release. I do this to connect to my words, my thoughts, my fears as well as my happiness. I do this to connect to my children one day when they read it.

These truly started off as love letters to my children, and morphed into my random day to day thoughts. Some are better thoughts than others – that’s for sure. Some days I have some great epiphanies that are discovered live as I free type. Others are discovered only after I have put the words on the paper and have had a few days to mull it over. And of course there are thoughts that I probably shouldn’t put down in print – but let’s be real not all babies are cute. Some are just ugly. So just acknowledge that the baby is in fact and baby…and move on to the name of the baby and pray it’s a nice sounding name. I myself have been in an ugly baby situation that included a name that was…well different. I acknowledged it was a baby, and acknowledged the name and moved on.

I am losing steam again, the mental fog has rolled in and I don’t have much more in me.