Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

J has done this to me most of our marriage which is to dangle some event, idea, outing and once I’m excited for it or excited to try it. He shoots it down and we’re not going. I f*cking hate that sh*t. I don’t normally air the dirty laundry but I’m f*cking pissed. We are enjoying our Spring Break with the kids and headed back to our spot that we missed out on during New Years’ because I wasn’t healthy enough for any travel, not even to the bathroom. It’s been our annual trip since before the kids were born, it was our tradition, peanut caramel apples, photo at our spot and cioppino (Thank you Best Bobby Flay…for letting me discover what cioppino even was). Growing up out East there was only one seafood soup and that was the hearty New England Clam Chowder with a side of oyster crackers. If you got the Manhattan Chowder – you got a look. It’s not the New England way!

So this is our make up trip; a few months late…but we’re here. We usually rent e-bikes and cruise around but I’m not strong enough to do that. I have no balance. But! I found a place that would rent a trike! Of course as soon as I was on the phone and they had a trike available – J immediately piped in with “I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to ride an ebike.” One adult, two children…trike can not carry passenger. Thank you as*hole. Pivot. On the phone with the ebike rental place the rental guy suggests another place. This place has a ebike with a side car. How cute is that! I called and left a message. Hope it’s available for rental. Kids and I can cruise around while dipsh*t can miss out.

In fact I miss those days…when we moved here, J still needed to sell the old house so I moved down here with the kids by myself. They were only 3 of us at the time and both of them under the age of 2…so it was definitely an adventure. Since it was a completely foreign place for me, I was constantly looking up and researching things to do with the kids and on mommy boards reading about what other mom’s were doing with their kiddos and what their reviews were. Kids and I went EVERYWHERE!!! It was always schedule between naps and food, though S was easy since I was her food haha. We went to all the parks, indoor play gyms, outdoor play gyms, museums, art galleries that weren’t too bougie and allowed kids…sometimes they were interested and other times not so much. We did this for about 8 months before the other house finally sold. At first, I would take J to all the places we discovered, then soon realized…he had ZERO desire to do any of those things. We stopped going out every weekend to explore, we stopped going out every weekend period. I blame him, but I think about it…I blame myself. Why didn’t I just take the kids and continue doing us? Why did I allow his behavior to affect me and our experience? Because I wasn’t worth it. Because I didn’t love myself enough to do it for me. I lost out on it because I gave up and gave in.

F*CK THAT!! I booked a two tours and if he doesn’t want to drive, I’ll drive! My kids and I don’t have a lot more time together as “kids” they are quickly growing up and becoming less wanting to do things with the parents and more wanting to be with their friends. I understand this is; they need to spread their wings and I want them to soar. So I’m going to seize the opportunities to create these memories while I am able to. I got a fresh unit of blood yesterday and was able to fall asleep last night for a few hours and slept in the car for a few hours as well. I even apologized for snapping at him yesterday because I was tired…which I now regret doing. He doesn’t deserve my apology.

I’m determined to make this trip fun for my children with or without J.

As we drive, I’m reminded how beautiful this country is…we get stuck in the hustle and bustle of daily life and forget to look up and around. The snowcapped mountains and green hills…this is what was there long before people started settling in these areas. When people started to move out to the West Coast those were the same mountains they saw (with the exception of a lot less pollutions). These were their views. There’s something beautiful about that connection to the past. I’d like to one day see the Redwood Forest as well. I have a friend that always takes his family to National Parks, I never asked him why National Parks…but I wonder if it’s for this same reason. To connect with what was and still is today. When we did a family trip to Yosemite; we climb up to Vernal Falls. The water levels weren’t as high at the time…but COLD as ice. It was a specular because 1000 years ago Vernal Falls was there and it’s still here now.

We just went through a hailstorm!! Kids were all excited – it hailed once where we live but this was a pretty intense one. We even collected a little hail in the back of the truck!

When J and I got married we went for a drive and experienced sun, rain, sleet, hail and back to sun. It was a cool weather experience for sure…I think we are in the hail era of our marriage now. Cancer is my hail. I pray for the return of the sun soon.

Hail storm again!! Kids are playing in it for all of 3 seconds. S ran back in and said “It hurts!”

The ebike store called me back. Pivot. The sidecar requires me to balance and lift a bit. This isn’t for me. BUT…the trike cargo is for rent. Zero balancing required and fully electric. I’m so excited!

I wished they had these when the children were younger. That would have been so much easier to take them around.