Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I didn’t get the period talk when I was growing up nor did I get the birds and the bees talk. I stumbled. I saw girls with pads and wings but I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand any of it. I vividly recall the blood in my underwear at 12 and thinking “well that’s scary…what do I do with this?” I knew staining my pants wasn’t going to do it. So I oven mitted a pad with toilet paper. It was a SOLID 6” thick pad. I didn’t know what to do beyond that. I went home after school and scrubbed my jeans. I stole my mother’s pads “Always with Wings” read the directions on the packaging and that was it. Welcome to womanhood. That’s all I got.

Bras were a little different, In one summer I went from negative cup to cup runneth over. Did I get the white ones with pink bows? Nope. Maiden Form, Beige. Do I like the Maiden Form today? It’s not bad, keeps the girls off the floor. But at 13…I wanted the white with pink bows. It wasn’t meant to be.

I never got those talks, but yesterday while meeting with the radiation oncologist – I got the other talk. Since the radiation will be all over my body, there is a high likelihood of menopause. Besides your period stopping, what exactly is menopause … no idea? J trolls me, and says you’re not getting that lucky. Referring to how the oncologist said that I would very very likely skip my menstrual cycles due to the chemo. Yea…no, even my during my aggressive and strongest chemo I still had it. In fact, it was 15 days of it where even the cycle was much more intense. I eventually started Provera to stop the cycle. So J jokes…menopause won’t be happening that soon.

The doctor broke down side effects in a very logical way. Life threatening or not. None of the common side effects were life threatening. It’s kind of like loosing my hair, it’s not life threatening, it’s really not serious. If my hair never grows back, so be it. I’ll be alive. I can wear wigs. Every 10 years of my life there is a 1% increase in a secondary cancer. Listen when. I’m 99 and I get some secondary cancer…peace. I’m not going to be doing any chemo…I’m just going to enjoy the time with the grand, grand children…and my mini cow Tato.

Except Tato’s bangs will be cut right at his eyebrows. I said what I said. I will have a pig named Applesauce, 4 Smooks aka Yellow Labs named after the minions “Kevin, Bob, Stewart and Gru”. I’m on the fence about the Donkey, though J claims they are the BEST alarms. that could be a double edge sword. I am not exactly a morning person. But if I were to give into a donkey, his name would Waffle. Cause if he doesn’t shut up, I’m having him for breakfast. Again, I said what I said.

As we think about leaving the rat race, we also think about where our children could thrive. This rat race lifestyle is all they have known. How will they adjust if we moved more rural? Would they resent us for the missed opportunities? Today, every opportunity in sports, arts and science are at their fingertips. But where we move may not have that. Am I doing my children a dis-service? We chose to live where we live because of the education. We intentionally moved here for them but could moving away undo what we wanted for them? Solid lifelong friendship, safe neighborhood, incredible educational opportunities?

That’s still so far away, but it’s positive things to think about which is where I need to spend my “mental” capital these days.

Busy week with follow up appointments but got today as a break to sleep in (kinda).