Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I made a fundamental mistake looking to have some meals prepared for me. I was looking for some sautéed or grilled veggies – once or two times a week. I misjudged my appetite. I can barely get down 10 grapes let alone a full platter of food made once a week. It’s overwhelming and when I see the quantity of food – I go into a full on panic. I don’t want to waste it but I genuinely can not shovel food into me. It’s not that I don’t want to eat – I’m either not hungry or I feel super sick.

I got measured today for radiation – it’s scary for sure. The unknown of it. I’ve been through CT, MRI…biopsy – zero anxiety to any of it. But radiation- that’s a new one for me. I met with two radiation oncology doctors who talked about side effects, and why radiation is even a part of my care. Radiation will be the whole body because leukemia can hide anywhere. Radiation and chemo will zap everything. While my biopsy says that I have reached Medical Remission, that was 9/29 it’s not 10/9 so before transplant there is another round of intensity right up to the DAY of transplant. Is this scary? Yes, it is. Am I scared? Absolutely.

But there is no other choice. I think that’s my constant fall back. I don’t have any other choices here. I don’t want to die. That is just the simple fact. Okay that’s heavy, moving to another topic.

So much drama today. I’m always happy when the drama doesn’t include me. But there was drama today nonetheless. Tempers ran hot today with some feelings of being shut out, not being included, not feeling valued and not feeling like you matter. Ultimately that’s what everyone wants…to be valued and respected. We want that from our partners, our friends, our family…our colleagues. We all want to belong. But when we don’t belong, or don’t feel that we belong…then we are sad, angry….and it could get to a contentious event. Tonight was such a night…thanks fully I was just on the phone hearing the aftermath.

I sympathize with the person that feels slighted, all year he has been treated as he didn’t matter. I saw it. I understand.

For tonight my hope is that everyone gets some good vibes and good karma. Life is incredibly precious and even if you get to live to 100, far too short. We have our kids and while in the thralls of infancy and toddlerhood — we are exhausted and completely overwhelmed. But time flies by so fast. Think about what actually matters in life, it’s not the job, it’s not hurt feelings…it’s friends and family. We leave the way we came…with nothing. So what really matters in the middle? It’s certainly isn’t drama.