Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

My cup is empty today. I’m struggling to fill it. I am uncomfortable and tired. I want to hear their voices and cheers as they watch football. I hear them but can’t join them. I try. I sit downstairs for a few minutes but I can’t last long. Everything hurts. What’s going on? Numbers are coming up but where’s my energy? I have nothing in my cup. S asks me to put the password in her iPad – I look at her and tell her I love her and tears roll down my face. She responds “I love you too. You’re going to be okay.” So I repeat with her “I’m going to be okay.” I really really want to be okay. I want to be okay and walk this life with these kids. It’s just a rough weekend. It’ll get better.

Blood was good today. 257 platelet count today – have an appointment at 2:45pm and then home. Low energy but some energy. Body in motion…stays in motion right? I’m going to try to go to the bank today as well as go to the pharmacy. We’ll see how much I have in this cup. I will say that the hydration makes me feel way better. At the hospital I had it all the time but now ok grateful to go to the infusion center for the hydration. It’s crazy to think how important a little hydration can do to your overall feeling.

The GYN appointment.

Can we for a moment address the ridiculousness of folding out pants and underwear as well as properly tucking the thin sheet of paper down around us…cause these doctors are going straight into your vajayjay. Like does it matter if your underwear and pants are folded nicely? It cracks me up a little. But I mean…I still do it. Regardless of the ridiculousness of it. The exam wasn’t bad, I hadn’t gone to the lady doctor for a minute because my previous doctor retired and then Covid hit…and then it was more important to figure out cancer. Leukemia was a priority to address but now there’s in constant bleeding despite my counts being up. So an ultrasound was ordered for me tomorrow then a follow up with the doctor on Wednesday to figure out what is going on. She suspects that because my platelets were so low for so long, it put my body out of whack. I said….chemo is putting my body out of whack. She want to rule out additional cancers, I said…sure thing, there is so much chemo in me right now, I glow in the dark.

Off to be with the children and maybe have a bite of ice cream since my mouth is super bitter.