Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I no longer feel like I sound coherent. I feel there are moments of clarity but then if fade. I’ve lost my train of thought, lost my purpose….lost.

Picked up my Walmart Grocery order at 7:15am and tried to make some semblance of breakfast for the children to be met with a disaster of a kitchen. J and the kids have been experimenting with social media recipes – watermelon and lemon – which left the entire kitchen sticky. No one cleaned up after their “test kitchen” scenario so I did. I slowly unloaded the dishwasher and threw out the lemon and water rinds. While thinking to myself I really wish they wouldn’t make this mess. J telling me “I’ll do it” which means the kids will do it. So I bite my tongue and clean up. I load the dishwasher with their sticky plates and sticky bowls of honey and lemon residue. I’m exhausted at this point and I haven’t even made breakfast for the children. F*ck. How can my tank be empty already it’s only 8:30am. I’m so tired – I have to scrape the sides of my cup for some more energy. I start mixing the pancake mix, sautéing the breakfast sausage, combined together – breakfast bites. They can eat this all next week for breakfast. I’m barely hanging on at this point L comes downstairs and sees that I’m struggling. He asks if he could put the tray in the oven for me. I gratefully nod. He needs a hair cut today. He’s still eating breakfast and I don’t have the energy to take him right this moment. I book the appointment for 11:00am – maybe I can nap before this appointment. L noticed the hummingbird feeder was bone dry and asked if we could refill it. He brought it inside and I washed it and made the food. My heart is leaping from my chest. I’m empty. How am I going to make this hair appointment? Can I send him on his own? Nope, his bike is broken…f*ck. Could he just walk over? OMG. What the f*ck is wrong with you? Be a f*cking parent! I’m going to close my eyes for 45 minutes and then head to his appointment with him.

Haircut and back home. L says he will get teased at school for his hair being ugly…WTF just tell them their face is ugly? Why are we sheep? I can’t. He said he will get in trouble…I’m a sh*t parent…as my response was so what? Bullies don’t respond to “ignore” they respond to a fist in the face…granted I’m not supporting unsolicited violence but f*ck. I support FAFO. Don’t be a wolf but don’t be sheep. I have cancer and my body is weak as hell but I’ll step off if you try me. But maybe that’s the different generational upbringing. We are in a world today that celebrates participation in every way – winners and losers are no longer allowed. I’m confused in this world. I don’t know what’s what anymore.