Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

What does remission actually mean? According to Dr. Google: “Remission means that the signs and symptoms of your cancer are reduced. Remission can be partial or complete. In a complete remission, all signs and symptoms of cancer have disappeared. If you remain in complete remission for 5 years or more, some doctors may say that you are cured.” Per my appointment today with Dr. C, my 5/30 biopsy shows no increase in blasts, hypocellular bone marrow at 20% compared to my 4/17 biopsy that showed hypercellular bone marrow with variably distributed blasts at 67% and my 3/21 biopsy that showed 95% hypercellular marrow. Is it 0?% No, but looking a lot sexier than 95%! From a medical stand point, my 20% is considered medical remission. I consider that amazing already. What’s next is the wait…I need a bone marrow match. I need to get a transplant so that the cancer doesn’t come back. There is so much research on the internet that quite frankly I can’t consume and really – I shouldn’t. I need to focus on my recovery.

Around end-Feb to mid-March – I got a book from work about goals and careers called “Atomic Habits” that I basically saw as another form of BS. In fact there was talk of starting a book club to read this together. I just kept quite whenever it was brought up, but yea I’ll f*cking pass. Well I started reading it not for career growth or anything. That’s the furthest thing on my mind right now. Yea I have a mortgage, compared to living. I’ll take that route all day. Career can kick rocks right now. In any case, I’m about 1/4 of the way through Atomic Habits – and it’s current focus is on small habits that you can hone into actual goals. For example, what is my goal? Yea my goal is to be cancer free, but I don’t have complete control over that. What I do have control over is making sure I drink water, go to my chemo appointments, go to my blood draws and keep a healthy lifestyle. Like I love you McDonald’s french fries…but I gotta limit how much I love you and how I often I f*cking love you. Nothing keeps me out of jail quite like a Diet Coke with no ice and a large McDonald’s fry, but I gotta stay away.

The premise of the book is that little habits form your end trajectory. To say I’m going to exercise and keep it fit after never successfully sticking to a gym routine is sorta silly. Sure every December I see that ads and I’m all “motivated” to start a new year with a new me and by the third slice of cake on Jan 2…it goes out the window. I love food, though maybe not right now. Well, no I still love food. Just can’t really taste the food I love at the moment. Everything taste metallic, I eat because I know I need to, not pleasure eating. I miss pleasure eating. It’s f*cking wonderful. I won’t touch an acai bowl, ube ice cream or coconut pudding because I know it’ll just ruin it completely for me. The book says the 4 laws of behavior 1) Obvious 2) Attractive 3) Easy 4) Satisfying

For me, it’s my walks…movement is incredibly important to my recovery. I need to build myself back up so that my body is strong enough and healthy enough for transplant. My behavior is to walk but how do I make that attractive? I got nothing, that’s why I don’t like to exercise lol. I’ll have to give that more thought. How do I make walking easy? Charged headphones and charged phone for music or books on tape. Satisfying? My as* won’t be huge? Again, I got nothing. I’ll have to give that more thought also. But for now, I’m trying to walk daily.

D picked me up for chemo today, bless her heart! She’s juggling her son’s summer activities and my chemo appointments as well as her PhD. So f*cking grateful for her. Tomorrow is the last day of chemo for this round! Whew! The IV held today as well!! Nurse J was there today so she was excited to see that her IV help up! I got there early and was done by 3:15pm. I found that keeping a warm compress on the IV site no only helps with the blood flow but always helps with the sting of the chemo infusion. Tomorrow night… I shower. Yes, it’s been a few days. But c’mon PTA showers are happening. PTA: Pits, t*ts and as*. You’re Welcome!

The feral children did not follow instructions today while I was at chemo to get ready for swimming. SMH. What else is new? Feral children will do what feral child do…

Still thinking about what I’m going to do this coming July, the picc line will mean that I have this all month. It’s going to be warm, so being able to keep myself clean is important. Picc complicates showering for sure. I asked a friend if there was something in the middle that could be taken out after the 7days giving me the ability to still shower. Last day of chemo for this round. Excited to have some reprieve.