Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

8:30am Last night J and I were talking before bed and he asked me who I write to in the blog. Who do I talk to? I didn’t know how to answer that. Who is my actual audience? Beyond therapy why do I write? Sometimes I write as I’m talking to S, sometimes it’s L and other times it’s to me. That doesn’t make much sense. But the truth of the matter is that these are love letters to S and L in case I don’t make it. I know everyone wants me to stay positive, beat cancer. But the reality is that not everyone beats cancer. Not everyone wins. I know that. And if I don’t win, I want these babies to know how much I love them. But also know what I went through. I don’t want them to not understand where my head was. I want them to hear my sarcasm, weird jokes, my voice. I want them to know the highs and lows. I want them to know the entire story from the beginning. I don’t want them to not have closure. I want them to read these words and hear their Mama. I’m scared babies, but I have to be strong in front of you. But I’m tired. I’m tired all the time. When you go to school, I sometimes sit here and cry because I don’t want to miss any of your moments, but I don’t know if I can beat this to be there for all of your moments. I wish for nothing more than your happiness and health. If you are happy and healthy there is nothing more I want for you. J didn’t like my explanation, he asked me “Are you quitting? Are you giving up?” No, I’m not but I know not everyone beats cancer. I’m tolerating chemo okay…I have good days and not so great day. But on average, I tolerate it. But this marathon also requires a bone marrow transplant. There are a lot of variables and a lot of different factors that go into this. I know I don’t fully listen, but I get the general idea. It’s not going to be a quick home run. Beyond finding a match within my ethnicity – which will be a challenge, then it’s then whole transplantation process and rejection…etc. It’s not negativity, it’s understanding the lay of the land. I sent M my review from insurance company they give a “second” option of the treatment that I’m currently on. They assessed me as “high risk” vs Dr. C’s assessment as “medium risk”. I didn’t really dive into it, mostly cause to me medium/high – it’s all not low risk. It’s all going to require the transplant.

10:30am I got a meme today about the emotions of a mom in a day. I laughed at it because in one singular day you go from laughter, exhaustion, just shaking your head no and back to laugher. These little humans are incredible. I started to think about Motherhood. Ooof what a slippery slope that is. L is 11 and all I can think about is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry you learned from the age of 3 that when my door was closed, I was in a meeting, and if you were loud you’d be in time out. What a fu*king sh*tty mom I am. I remember being on a call a hearing his shush S because she was playing on some music toy. Looking back, it absolutely breaks my heart. I remember S crying herself to sleep and needing to sleep on my side of bed when I traveled for work. I chased and chased…and my children were left with an absentee mom. I hate looking at the mirror. It was easier to travel and to work than it was to be present and be a mother. Working is so much easier. I zone out and just push. Shame on me. My children deserve so much more. I need to think about something else. This is not putting me in a good place. I need a break.

3:00pm It’s funny you can give grace to a lot of people, but to yourself…you sometimes just can’t. I wonder what kind of programming that is. It’s an awful one. Mom has an echocardiogram this coming Tuesday, she said her chest has been bothering her. Dad no longer is running a fever and has another 10 days of antibiotics. I saw him through the garage door yesterday, he looks frail. I don’t like that. He walks every day, he said when I’m better we’re going to walk together everyday. I just nodded. Yesterday was the first time he saw in person since he returned from Asia. He landed in LAX on 4/3 but has not been able to see me in person because he’s been sick. He’s been pretty upset with not being able to see me at all except for FaceTime. Lucky we have that tech though.

I was texting G today and we were talking about what I wanted when this sh*t was over. I told her I’m going to rent an AirBNB in Newport Beach where the backyard is the ocean. The kids are just going to run across the little pathway and play in the sand/ocean. I’m going to drink all the martinis in the shade. I don’t know if I can actually have alcohol, but I’m going pretend for now I can. I’m going to invite everyone and we’re just going to BBQ, drink and eat. Hopefully my taste buds will return by then. I’ll ask G to make arancini, eggplant parmesan and that cheesecake! J will make ribs and guac. B will make that pozole and chile verde! We’re just all going to be fat all weekend long haha. I’m going to order Lou Malnati’s sausage pizza with butter crust; Ferrara’s tricolor rainbow cookies, chocolate dipped cannolis; Katz’s pastrami and deli rye, pickles and real mustard.

8:10pm Finally felt good enough to shower, been doing the wipes. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. The shedding is increasing, there’s more skin showing on the top of my head. My face looks like I aged 20 years, it’s weird to see your own reflection and not even recognize yourself. My skin has become super sensitive, I used to take lava showers now it’s a barely lukewarm. Nails are soft. Hands are always dry no matter how much coconut oil I slater on. My body is just different. Today has been a rough day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.