Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I had another set back today. I have an infection in my blood so I can’t start the trial this Friday. I handled it better than the fever set back. I however f*cked it up with my son. I make no excuses for myself, I didn’t do it right. I wasn’t centered and fully processed when I told him. We’ve been sleeping next to each other on FaceTime the last few nights. It brings him comfort to just see me in the night when he gets up for the bathroom – it is his win.

I was in the middle of processing it myself when he woke up and said “Hi Mama” and I slipped out that I had an infection in the blood and I couldn’t start the trial drug until the infection was gone.

He had a complete meltdown. He sobbed into his pillow and cried “Mama I’m scared you’re never coming home. I need you Mama. I need you Mama” Never in my life have I had my heart broken this way. To hear him sobbing like that, I couldn’t breathe. I was completely paralyzed in his sadness and pain. I completely screwed up. I have to be very careful in how I explain news or updates to him.

Heartbreak sounds so generic, but it isn’t. A boy breaks up with you and you think the world has ended. Your husband says something mean and you are so hurt and sad. But your son, sobbing into his pillow crying that he just needs his Mama. That f*cking next level of heartbreak.

I have to stand strong and stay positive. I can not hurt my son like this again. I need to frame updates to him and be gentle with his heart.

They took another set of blood cultures to see the source of the infection. Then the infectious disease doctor showed up. We chatted for a few minutes and then….she asked to see my hemorrhoids. She said they looked very angry. Oh it gets better…she wanted to take a photo of my hemorrhoids. Without thought I blurted out “I better not be on ONLY FANS! You better not be making money off my hemorrhoids.!” She laughed, A and I laughed. She said she would not be putting my hems on any social media platform or Only Fans, BUT she might have to show it to Dr. P. “What the f*ck! Seriously??” She said only if he asks to see them. Dignity…gone. But you have to laugh…cause realistically I can’t keep crying.

We are delayed for the trial. We just gotta wait until I’m infection free and fever free.