Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I’ve needed a few days to get my head on straight. A stayed with me until Sat afternoon and then I needed her to go. I needed her to recharge for the battlefield. All of us truly are on our own battlefield. Whether we are sick or healthy – we are affected by the battles at work, life, children…all these trials and tribulations. It’s a battlefield.

Children were negative and fever free and I got to spend a good chunk of the day just cuddling and sleeping with them. S was more concerned about the free chocolate pancakes she could order. L was just grateful to lay near me and hold me. He whispered in my ear “Mama I love you. I need you Mama.” I know why cancer patients throw in the towel and say they are content with the time they have. Because it hurts. The poking, prodding, this drug but will give you mouth sores that you can’t speak or eat. This medicine but you won’t be able to sleep at night. This other medicine but your sugar will hover around 300. It’s a lot to process. It is a lot to put on your shoulders.

It’s frustrating. When I sent her home I lied to her and said that J would be with me tonight and told him to lie to her as well. I called her this morning to fess up. She said she would have done the same thing. She’s not happy I lied to her but she understands. We are all a deck of cards. Just balancing to keep our life moving forward. We put that deck of cards in a box that is wind proof and another box that is shake resistant. Because that’s how we need to do it to survive.

That’s how I do it as well. I breathe it in a just hide. Everyone ask me how are you. I start to answer. Could you talk about you today? How are you doing? Because talking about me is hard. It’s exhausting. I want to hear about your cats and your doggos.

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L sent this to me this morning. It was a true reminder not to hide my pain, not to hide my nightmare.

Sunday was another dose of magic children cuddles. J did stay with me I struggled with my thoughts Saturday but he was with me on Sunday so that helped. Nurse C front loaded me that the morning was going to be rough, in order to get the picc back in my platelet count needed to be 20 at minimum it would all depend on my midnight blood draw which was awful because the phlebotomist was fishing which hurt EVEN more. I cried through it; did J hold my hand…no. That’s not who he is. If i asked him to hold my hand, he would but he would not automatically get out from his couch bed and hold my hand. I have learned that he’d give me anything, but he is not a mind reader. Both my A and L automatically got up and held my hand…that’s just the difference between men and women.

Nurse C saw she was fishing and just held my hand as I sobbed. Once she left, I told Nurse C that she fished, and she said yes I saw it. She’s said she was so sorry. It’s incredibly painful. Nurse C warned me again that it would be a rough night if I was below 20. Of course….my platelets were 19. I was on auto pilot, vitals at 15 minutes, then every hour…my body instinctively knew left arm blood pressure cuff, right finger blood oxygen meter. After that is done, I use the thermometer under the tongue because I know where the sores are and literally panic woke up. I was able to help her out because she just so happened to have broken a nail, and yes…I snuck a baby nail clipper into the hospital along with a baby nail file. The chemo makes my nails super brittle and jagged. In the past I would just have to deal with it, but now that I have become a seasoned “traveler” I bring it in my “to go bag”

Once my platelets hit 20, I was ready to have a new picc insert.

This was my picc at its worst shape where I needed three polymem silvers to cover it because my skin was blistering. Those BEEFY clamps were awful as well. Talk about rubbing your skin raw, I would wrap it specifically so the clips weren’t actually touching my skin.

This is my new picc with the just the most delicate little clips like I’m a dainty flower lol. It just made me giggle.

Right now we wait. We wait for the sponsors to say green light to start.