Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I got the approval last night that I was accepted into the trial study at around 8:30pm. I was so grateful and really looking forward to the next steps. But then this morning I had a fever and I wasn’t allowed to proceed with the study trial. I was very disappointed and devastated that I wasn’t about to start today.

It was disappointing but i have to stay mentally strong but it’s hard. I have been in the hospital since 6/24/24 – I haven’t see my children and now that they are sick I haven’t seen J. My mind wanders when I’m alone in the hospital room. L has stayed with me since Sunday and then A is going to stay with me on Wednesday. I’m not good by myself. When the housing manager kicked me out of the 3rd floor I was by myself and couldn’t defend myself. Nurse S was going to call the patient advocate to follow up but the hospital computer systems crashed today.

I walked 5 laps today to keep myself on track, I have to keep moving and stay stable to start the trial study. It’s hard to stay on track mentally. There are moments when you feel strong but the quiet creeps in. You start to think of the things you shouldn’t.

Both children are sick with Covid so I wasn’t able to see them this past weekend, that alone was very tough. S was supposed to have an excursion camp to Disneyland and she is devastated that she can’t go. I felt her sadness on such a level since I was in the same state as well.

it’s hard to pivot. We say just pivot but realistically pivots are not easy to do. I had difficulty pivoting just two days for my study drug. Pivoting is truly easy said that done you have to make peace and let go. You wonder sometimes…how does one keep pivoting over and over? How do you adapt? How do you make peace with it and let it go? Is this some ultra zen place you need to be at?