Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

One day at a time…

Benny

It’s been a rough few days. I’ve been in the hospital since 6/24/2024. Last few days I’ve had back to back issues with my counts and I am struggling with positivity. Overthink – you go dark. Obvious – you can screw up your care.

The cancer has come back 76%. The leukemia is aggressive. What’s being done now? Not much; every effort is getting me within the parameters of the study drug. There are more unknown then known. How did this happen? I don’t know. What happened? I also don’t know. How are you feeling? I feel like I’m dying. How are you? I’m not well. What’s the plan? I don’t know. I have just avoided the questions. All together. I’m not trying to be rude, but I also don’t believe the truth will help your day.

In the last 72 hours I have been on and off Benedryl, and it’s subsequent fog. I’m forgetting to take things one step at a time. I’m forgetting to list my gratitude. I’m letting Baba Yaga win. The 16 months have been about the strong mindset. But when setbacks happen, it’s hard to have the same dust yourself off and try again mindset. Being back in the hospital is a setback for me, you feel yourself give into the dark thoughts. I randomly will just nod off and then wake up and nod off again.

I’m fighting all the mental demons to stay focus and positive. I have to remember to control what I can and let go of what I can’t. The fear can be debilitating.

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About Me

Hello, my name is Nina. I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I am lover of country music, & 80’s love ballad. I love me some karaoke! I identify as hot mess mom. I get it wrong, all the time. On the rare occasions I get it right? Even I’m shocked.

I am a working professional in the field of Compliance. I am mother two, daughter to immigrant parents, wife to a “redneck” – and proud of it, sister-in-law to the two most incredible human beings I have ever met and a niece that is just so cool but doesn’t know it.

I work too hard and play too little. I’ve always focus on the wrong thing and never quite sure if I’m ever enough. I grew up on the East Coast and was a latchkey kid in the 80’s and 90’s – I dodged the sketchy people on the walk home and tried not to end up on a milk carton.

I went to a very privileged Boarding School on the East Coast and college after that. (So yeah that’s exactly why this journal will be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. On the days I feel good, I’ll type it out. On the days I don’t feel good it’ll be voice to text. I can not be held liable for the things Siri puts in as my “voice”. ) Graduated on a Friday and started Fleet Bank on a Saturday. I hustled my way through the midnight shift at DHL and hustled and hustled and hustled. I knew nothing except the hustle. (As I said, I’m a hot mess mom).

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