Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

One day at a time…

Struggle Is Real

We are camping for Father’s Day Weekend. I’m finally out by the fire in the hammock. My right hand is frozen cold but I’m trying to be outside a little bit. Not only has this round been hard with the bone pain and aches; the depression is deep. I can’t get myself out. I got to spend an amazing Sunday last weekend with D celebrating her birthday at the Tea House. I got to see an absolutely handsome fellow. He let me give him scratches and gave me gently nibbles. It was beautiful.

Thank you D for capturing the moment.

I have continuously been needing platelets as they keep dropping to 2. Platelet transfusions for me are the worse. I feel miserable afterwards. I not only don’t feel comfortable during – I am uncomfortable for hours afterwards.

My head isn’t in the game. We’re going to get another biopsy in the next week or so. I see Dr P on Wednesday to see what the status is. The migraines have finally stopped. Last Sunday before brunch I was starting to doubt whether or not I would be able to go. I woke up at 7:30am with a massive migraine; I took an Excedrine and basically told myself I absolutely need to get it together for D’s birthday. She has celebrated all of my birthday with so much love. I missed the last one because of cancer but wasn’t going to miss this!

Since June 3 – it’s been transfusions every 3-4 days. I’m still waiting for my numbers to come up. S is visiting me this coming Wednesday. I started to get in my own head. Is this everyone coming to say goodbye? I wish I wasn’t like this. I just can’t snap out of it. What the heck?

A just sends me the cat memes. While she has texted me and I’ve answered with cat memes. She hasn’t given up on me. She keeps the cats coming. I need something to laugh at cats, dogs, goats…whatever funny memes. I need to laugh. I try to start off my morning with the belly hyena laughter where I can’t breathe. I need to laugh out loud and wheeze. Then I have no space for fear.

What is the fear? Fear of leaving my children too soon. Fear that they will walk through life without a Mom. Fear that no one will love them and dote after them like I do. I read something that said that the children’s DNA stay in a mother’s brain for life. There is something beautiful about that. While they have left my body; they are forever apart of me. I have to stand up but this time I don’t seem to know how. I don’t seem to remember where to find the strength to do it. Is it in that DNA from my children? Is it to remember my gratitude? Is it to remember all of my blessings?

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About Me

Hello, my name is Nina. I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I am lover of country music, & 80’s love ballad. I love me some karaoke! I identify as hot mess mom. I get it wrong, all the time. On the rare occasions I get it right? Even I’m shocked.

I am a working professional in the field of Compliance. I am mother two, daughter to immigrant parents, wife to a “redneck” – and proud of it, sister-in-law to the two most incredible human beings I have ever met and a niece that is just so cool but doesn’t know it.

I work too hard and play too little. I’ve always focus on the wrong thing and never quite sure if I’m ever enough. I grew up on the East Coast and was a latchkey kid in the 80’s and 90’s – I dodged the sketchy people on the walk home and tried not to end up on a milk carton.

I went to a very privileged Boarding School on the East Coast and college after that. (So yeah that’s exactly why this journal will be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. On the days I feel good, I’ll type it out. On the days I don’t feel good it’ll be voice to text. I can not be held liable for the things Siri puts in as my “voice”. ) Graduated on a Friday and started Fleet Bank on a Saturday. I hustled my way through the midnight shift at DHL and hustled and hustled and hustled. I knew nothing except the hustle. (As I said, I’m a hot mess mom).

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