Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s been a while since I have posted. I’ve been in my own head about going back on chemo. I also have felt like complete garbage…again. I don’t miss this at all. I’ve been here before. I did the 8 rounds of chemo before transplant, I’ve been here before. But that’s not the point. The point is it sucks all over again and I can’t shake the two steps forward three steps back feeling. I haven’t done chemo since November and while the GVHD sucked both times…I really liked being OFF of chemo. I liked feeling like I was moving forward, even slowly. this feel like a step back and Baba Yaga has such a grip on me. This time…I had nothing to say. Nothing positive.

I googled, the only survivor of AML transplant was 65. I didn’t like reading that. I got in my own head. Depression is a funny thing, it holds on your fears and makes you completely immobile. I don’t know how to shake this funk. Plus the nausea, funny taste in my mouth, body pain, transfusions…it’s overwhelming. I haven’t had a platelet transfusion since the end of November. My platelets dropped to 10. F*ck. I hate this ride. I know everyone has said cancer is a mental game. You have to mentally push yourself, you have to stay mentally strong. If you mentally give up, it’s over. KO. I’m trying. But it sucks.

Since Memorial Day Weekend, I had 4 transfusions and the WBC shot that burned like hell last time. Except this time…I found the holy grail of spots. Apparently I can have this shot in my stomach. Thank you Jesus! I was always bummed about the c-section but now it is the biggest blessing to have nerve damage in my stomach. I feel…. NOTHING. Bring on the needles. I don’t feel a darn thing. It’s incredible. BLESSING!!!

We decided last minute to head to my niece’s graduation party. I felt like a dumpster fire on Monday and thought it wasn’t going to happen. The shot helped a lot, plus the 4 transfusions and the antibiotics. I was glad I was able to join in on the festivities. It was a turn a burn (we got there Saturday early and left Sunday early-ish). I started to cry as I hugged my sister, There was just sadness in her as well as in me. We all have our sadness in our own paths. but sometimes just holding each other…we can just let go a little.

This is the last week of school for my children, and the start of summer vacation comes fast and furious this Friday. I am slightly excited for not having to get up at 5:30am to make breakfast and pack their lunches. Their summer camp takes them to multiple “excursions” that hopefully fill their time and lets them have some freedom as I really can’t take them very many places still. My hands and legs still go numb and loose all sensation. Not exactly a recipe for success when driving my children.

I have to shape up for graduation and attend with all my good strong energy. I bought streamers to throw at graduation (the quick clean up kind).

Instagram has been reading my fears, as lately my reels are filled with doggos crossing the rainbow bridges waiting to be reunited, people dying of cancer, people missing their moms….etc. I’m like IG please stop, you’re feeling Baba Yaga. I’ve tried to stick to doggo, cat and llama videos with a side of otters. Then I found out the “I go meow” cat passed. Like c’mon…I just want happiness. I want to laugh like a hyena. Because apparently when you laugh you can’t have depressing thoughts at the same time. Or is it if you have gratitude you can’t have negative thoughts at the same time. I can’t remember.

I’m struggling. I’m struggling a lot.