Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

J wanted to switch “offices” – before I got sick I switched offices so that I wasn’t working in the bedroom anymore. For all of my meetings, my backdrop was my bed. While I would blur it out, you could still tell it was my unmade bed in the background. I had been working this way since COVID but finally felt like I had enough plus the lighting was terrible and I would need the “influencer’s o ring light” — I ultimately got but always giggled to myself about it. So I moved to the “office office” where my backdrop was a white wall and felt more “office like” which I found funny considering we were at a time of yoga pants on the bottom and business dress on top. Hair and makeup 5 minutes before the meetings only.

Now that I’m not in the office anymore, J wanted to work in a more appropriate setting and as such I’m back in the bedroom. There’s something uncomfortable about looking at my work desk in the bedroom again. Seeing my monitors all set up makes me sad and reminds me of my past behavior and habits. I’m glad the white board of meetings, critical deliverables, “think ideas” and deadlines didn’t follow me back into the bedroom. I have no use for the formal workstation anymore so I’m struggling with looking at this set up. I need to make something feel different about it, maybe I need one of those car dashboard hula dancers or the cat that moves their arm back and forth…maybe I can get the sleeping duck light. I need something for sure. I guess I’ll dig around Amazon before bed to give myself something to look at that is funny and “unprofessional.”

First week of chemo is over…as per usual the diarrhea has been on HIGH. It’s been a delight and I have “friends” – I have decided to call them “Hemi 1 and Hemi 2” – Tucks…please work faster?!

I’m not feeling great, but not feeling bad either. I have been here before but I have also been worse. This doesn’t hold a candle to full body radiation. This is doable. I can hold on. What’s the point of this chemo? This is to buy me time, to control the cancer while I wait for the trial medication. The trial medication is targeted to my specific gene mutation and has a 50% chance of curing my cancer. So while I am waiting for the medication, we go through the chemo regiment to control the cancer. I just have to keep pushing.

My hands and feet continue to go numb and I have random dizzy spells so driving is still out of the question. I still have to rely on others to get me around which is frustrating. Not having independence is just that, frustrating.

I’m hoping to make some braised ground pork noodles while the children are out fishing. I’m hungry now and while I know I have a peach downstairs but it’s a lot of effort to go downstairs that I’m not willing to put in the effort. Since it’s getting late…I’m going to finish one more episode of the drama I’m watching and head off to bed.