Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

S’s party was okay, apparently you only get the party room AFTER the jumping has commenced, so parents just hang out aimlessly until the children have finished jumping and they get water from a cooler like a hobo. It wasn’t exactly what I had imagined at all. It’s a one and done. We didn’t use the room, didn’t decorate…just claimed table after table and spread out. Not ideal but we pivoted. F served the children pizza when it arrived, L got refills of drinks…we served ourselves but at the end, they had the audacity to ask me for a tip. Friend it was self-serve. No Thank you.

Sunday was a day of not much going on but planning for the weeks’ meals so that I could prepare my Walmart order. Monday we had sliders and homemade fries with a sliced tomatoes, Tuesday was pot roast, mashed potatoes and steamed artichokes, Wednesday was turkey muffins, bacon and Brussels sprouts with a side of green beans. Tomorrow will be chicken fried steak with country gravy, steamed broccoli and buttered rolls. Friday will be sausage and rice with peas. Saturday we’re having shrimp Alfredo and rosemary focaccia bread and Taco Sunday with rice and beans.

Planning out the meals helps me feel there is purpose to my day to day. At this point my “job” is making breakfast, lunch and dinner for the family. It gives me structure and stability. It makes me feel like I’m a part of the family. I do laundry and dishes…and workout on the side, I’m currently lifting 2.5lbs and wear ankle weights to help give me more resistance when I walk. I don’t know if I’m getting stronger but I feel better mentally. That alone gives me more of a positive attitude and puts me in a better state of mind which in turn makes me act more positively.

I signed up for a gently flow yoga class in May in hopes that it will help me feel better as well. Reintroduce myself into society. Today was my biopsy, unfortunately it was very sluggish so B has to drill deeper. She sent me a message telling me that I would be incredibly sore and in a bit of pain for a few days. I expect to have discomfort for sure so my oxy is ready.

My days haven’t been exciting but they have been steady. While I’m anxious about an opportunity, they have not communicated with me since the Friday before last. While I’m eager for the opportunity I’m not here to beg. If it written in the cards for me, it’ll be mine…otherwise it’s not meant to be. I have to let things going. While I’m disappointed right now, I have to pivot if the opportunity doesn’t work out. I have to look into different avenues.

Tonight will be a rough night of sleep, I took the prednisone much later because of the biopsy so I expect this to be a long, long night. L is sleeping with me tonight on the mat. Personally as long as they still want to sleep with me, I won’t put up a fight…if it brings them comfort and happiness I am willing. These days won’t last so I want to enjoy it while I have it. No one is promised tomorrow – cancer or not. So when I have it today I want to enjoy it. Beyond wearing all the jewelry that I have saved for a “special occasion” which I wear it daily; I do the same for as many moments with the children as I can. Am I going to be cool enough to hang out with in 10 years? Maybe?

I’m going to test another focaccia recipe tomorrow. Since it’s for Saturday I’ll just keep testing out recipes until I get it right…thankfully I have a fridge full of rosemary. I also have to look at whether or not I can grow rosemary from clippings.

As I wait for the biopsy results next week, I’ll try to keep busy before I allow my anxiety to over take my positive vibes and let Baba Yaga talk me into craziness. I am tired a lot which is a symptom of the cancer but I don’t sleep well…so I’m hoping horses not zebras. Always horses first…