Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Last few days have been about living life and doing more. Since my birthday I have been trying to push myself to do more, walk more, participate more, be more present and be more grateful. My anxiety has gotten into some fun heights…everything in my house has been cleaned or laundered. I have put away the clothes that I don’t fit into in a suitcase. The cut on my hand still has yet to heal. It makes me nervous that the white blood count hasn’t fully rebounded. But I’m trying not to think about it.

As I have been cleaning and putting things away, I realized how my children have been neglected this past year with my absence. No comforters have been washed for them in over a year. The dining room chairs haven’t been cleaned in over a year with stains of food and paint. When I see the paint on the chairs I realized how lonely S was painting by herself. That’s something we used to do together. We would paint and I would ensure no paint got anywhere and layout newsprint so that paint wouldn’t get onto the dining table. Seeing the dried paint everywhere – I realize she was painting by herself. That alone hurt my heart.

I realized the clothing my children have are all a size too small. Her shorts literally look like they are cutting off circulation. His shirts are tight on him and look like they started to become crop tops. Do I blame J? Yes and no. Those have always been my responsibility. From dinners, cleaning, paying the bills and running the household finances – they have always been my sides of the responsibilities. J runs the responsibilities outside of the home. That division has worked for us however since getting sick, he has had to learn how to run the household on his own. That can’t be easy to flip a switch overnight and need to figure out all the internal logistics. So while I am disappointed that the children have had their needs neglected, I also understand. I’m lucky enough to have wonderful friends in my life to take my children shopping for new clothes. I just didn’t realize the extent of a years’ needs – it’s down to their underwear.

I have been able to get up in the mornings and make breakfast for the children lately along with their lunches. It’s been a pleasure doing this. I’ve been thinking about it a lot…do I do these things or do I not. The reality is, when it’s time for me to go one day…I will not regret it. I will not regret loving them, cooking for them, caring extra for them. I will not regret them sleeping in my room or next to me in my bed a little longer. I won’t regret any of it. I won’t regret being interrupted over and over with “Hey Mama.” I won’t regret how many times I give in to them and their requests. I won’t regret it. This isn’t to say they have free rein, there are boundaries and family core values that are not to be crossed. But for silly things like an extra 15 minutes of TV, a request to sleep in my room, a requests for their favorite La Croix flavor can all be honored – because at the end of the day, these are requests are not anything I’d request giving in to.

I have been preparing for S’s birthday party. I hope it’s a good time for her and she has a great time with her friends. At the end of the day, happily making memories is what I want for them.

I missed yet another event at school today because I had to get a transfusions. The fact that I have to miss out and watch through a cell phone is something that has happened frequently over this past year. I’ve watched all their sport games via cell phone and all their school events and activities through the phone. While I am grateful that I am least able to see it, but heart hurts while watching. I need to humble myself and face these with a positive attitude.