Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s 3:43am and I am wide awake. Completely and utterly awake. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. The drive wasn’t as bad as we thought for Good Friday, we all played Pokémon when we got into traffic and hatched a few eggs and made the traffic in to a positive. That’s been the last year, trying to spin negative situations into a positive. We’re learning how to pivot as a family and learning how to be positive in all situations.

I wasn’t able to come up Labor Day weekend because I had just finished my chemo during my relapse and had just be released from the hospital only a couple of weeks prior so there would be no way I would be up for travel. So while the trip is modified, I am at least making the trip to celebrate a very special 18th birthday for an amazing young girl that is going to become a young woman on April 1st. I don’t know how A and B are feeling these days…and truly am afraid for my children to turn 18 also. I have always wished I could stop time and with each milestone my heart would ache. I never wished they would get older and wished they could stay babies forever.

I’m guessing that A and B are reliving the last 18 years over and over in their minds and hearts as she gets closer to her 18th birthday. I know that I would. Let’s be honest…I would just play it over and over while hysterically crying. But that would mean that I would be alive to be a part of their 18th birthday – so that positive is AMAZING! I want to watch them turn 18, graduate from college, fall in love, get married, have children, babysit my grandchildren…I want to be a part of all that. I want to be a part of all the milestones and play those videos in my heart over and over while hysterically crying.

I’m currently watching 9-1-1 , this season starts with the two main characters on a cruise in MX. First episode has them facing a pirate boat that rigs an explosion on the boat. Second episode has the explosion happening and it is sinking, and it is capsized at the end of the episode. So yea…I never ever want to be on a cruise ship. From the time I watched Titanic – I have NEVER considered going on a cruise. This second episode has ABSOLUTELY closed the deal for me where I NEVER ever want to go on a cruise, in face, I don’t think I even want to be on a boat. This is what happens when it’s 4:36am and you’re still NOT asleep.

I’ve been making some changes at home as well, we have been getting rid of nonstick pans and using stainless steel pans instead. Instead of being lazy and using paper plates – we’re using real ceramic plates. Thinking about how paper is supposed to absorb but how our paper plates hold pasta and sauce just fine…because of the plastic coating that sauce isn’t absorbed into the paper – I’m ingesting that coating along with my pasta and sauce. That thought alone has made a lot more changes. Now I’m not turning in a psycho nut, I will still use plastic Tupperware, but once the food has cooled. I no use or have a microwave. We heat and reheat food on the stove or in the oven. We ground our own meat and make our own deli meat. I’m not on sourdough…YET…but after Spring Break I will be dipping into sourdough. I already make Italian bread but I’ve been reading that sourdough is a healthier option but I’m going to give it a try the healthier option. I have changed from plastic cutting boards where we rest hot meat off the BBQ to wooden cutting boards. They seem like a lot of changes but truthfully they were simple changes to make. We still have our paper plates for cold sandwiches and chips. We just use them in different applications now.

It’s 5:20am I’m trying really really hard to not lose my sh*t. I’m still f*cking wide awake. Oh. My. F*cking. God. Cancer recovery includes SLEEP! I hate steroids.