Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I’ve been attending this yearly conference since 2013, missed the Covid year and of course last year, and I’m missing it again now. The “sisterhood” is a group of us professionals (which includes two gentlemen for Europe D and A – we are inclusive of all!) from different industries but all with similar compliance backgrounds within these different industries. Some of the sisterhood and I chat weekly, some only during conference and over IG Memes. Conference serves as our socialization as well as our professional connection. Both A and A have been amazing support during this year long cancer journey, both are at conference…when they texted me during transfusion yesterday I was disappointed not to be there with the “sisterhood.”

With the absolute garbage sleep lately, my hemoglobin has been dropping at a more rapid rate. I’m getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night, last night I slept for 30 minutes. I saw the clock at 5:32am and again at 6:05am. I’ve been up since. Two nights ago I seriously considered doubling / tripling up on my prescribed sleeping pills so I could sleep. Like the pills were in my hands along with 75mg of Benadryl. I had to talk myself out of it. It was serious. I was like we can’t Michael Jackson ourselves. We can’t go out like that. That’s not how we do. Put the pills DOWN! But I can relate to the hysteria. I feel absolutely insane, semi drunk, high…whatever. I’ve never been on meth or crack, but I imagine this is the feeling I’m going 100 miles an hour running on pure adrenaline. This is not my energy generated from my body it’s medically induced. I now understand the bodybuilder steroid relationship. You are like the energizer bunny and you just keep going and going.

I’m running off of fumes at this point. I feel like I could sleep and sleep…but just can’t.