Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I felt it this morning when I couldn’t peel myself out of bed I knew. It wasn’t good. I feel like absolute garbage. I’m dizzy and my blood pressure is 87/56. Not good. The amazing team at the infusion center got me in today for type and screen with a side of two units of blood. I don’t know if we can actually get two units in since it’s 1, but we’ll try and see what happens.

It’s exhausting at the end of the day, the transfusions, the blood the back and forth…it’s all exhausting but you just gotta push through. The infusion center is busy today, lot of chemo being hung…lots of buzz. Mom was kind enough to get bagels on my behalf to the nurses. Wish she would have gotten me one but it is what it is lol. She at least fed the wonderful people that care for me. Thanks Mama! Good job there!

Gratitude is filling my heart today. I got here feeling like garbage, C magically found a spot for me, B magically is going to hang blood for me…this “magic” is what I call soul filling gratitude. 2024 however is trolling me I feel. It would be nice to slow this down and stop the trolling for me to breathe. Tomorrow is COH – Dr G said the numbers are slowly coming down so it’s a good sign. After the first bag I started to feel human again.

I asked my mom to please bring my “cancer bag” and bring bagels back for the nurses. It’s not because C found me a spot after type/screen. It’s because of the love I get from these nurses here. I can’t express it except to get them some bagels. I can’t repay the kindness. My cup truly run over. I magically always get a room on 8W? It’s not magic. It’s someone calling in a favor. It’s someone saying she’s stuck on 7W or 3E. All these nurses have been working together for 10-15 years together, they have patients they love and patients they don’t. I’m honored that I’m a patient they love. I don’t get donuts and bagels to bribe anyone. I get them donuts and bagels because I have no other way to express my gratitude and my love back to them.

Tomorrow is going to be an emotional day for me. Today is already hard. March 19th, 2023 I had to say goodbye to my kids or 40+ days while I entered 8W to do chemo. The uncertainty of it all. The fear. The spiraling of the life that was. The pivot, the REAL PIVOT. When people ask me if I have a medical background I’m almost tempted to say “Yea, I have had a year of learning, observing and asking questions to some of the BEST oncology nurses.I have knowledge because of them. I know the process and procedures because of them.” So when you do something out of the normal, I see you. When you leave blood in my line and don’t flush me (E, you got me…I know better). I know better because I have been taught better by these nurses. Let’s be real, this isn’t Grey’s Anatomy…doctors give me about 5 minutes of face time (if I’m lucky. Dr S bounced when I was washing my hands after I went to the bathroom and never saw him again that day). It’s not the doctors that are caring for you. It’s the nurses. When you’re rude to a nurse I’m always like (bug eyes) “You’re f*cking yourself over bro. They are the only ones that give two sh*ts about you.” This is a bad move. Because they truly are the only ones that care about you. They clearly aren’t doing it for the money, because they are HELLA underpaid. They do it because they love their patients, they care…they love. They aren’t necessarily “curing” cancer but they are doing f*ck more than I am making my former CEO rich. They ARE making an actual difference. They make a difference in their patients lives.

They text, they call…they check up on me when they don’t see me for weeks. They know something is wrong when they don’t see me. They pray for me and genuinely wish me to heal. They send me photos of their delicious babies and I beg them to have another baby hahaha. They know it’s hard. They know how much cancer sucks. They know how tiring it gets to get up and fall, get up and fall, get up and fall. They don’t ask “How are you?” They saw the labs already. They know it’s a sh*tty day. They pivoted already to “We’ll get the blood, you’ll feel better soon. I have a blanket and a pillow for you.”

Are there nurses like Dr P’s team that will tell me to take medication without actually giving me instructions? Or tell me to put cream over a sterile dressing? Yes. And they are f*cking morons. But I know they are morons because I have had the best. Once you know what the best is, you compare. That’s human nature. It’s not hospital policy to leave a line filled with blood and not flush it, M. You’re just a f*cking idiot and do not have critical thinking skills. You’re 22 and a moron.

Maybe nursing isn’t in my cards, as a career shift. Because let’s face it…my organs hurt when I see a paper cut. But maybe I can volunteer at the infusion centers or COH locally. Maybe I can make the patients feel less like a useless potato. Those few minutes of conversation make me feel human. They make me feel that I can get up after falling over and over and over.

It’s a powerful thing what nurses do. What a good nurse can do. I am blessed to have such incredible nurses to learn from, be cared for and even more blessed that some I call friends!