Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It was a “drive up pick up” but it was an adventure. It was somewhere other than the infusion center or City of Hope. A change of scenery at the very least. The night time itch tonight started a little earlier….oof. My hands, back and shoulders are on major flares tonight. But again, grateful to have them because GVHD means I was able to get a transplant. And it means, my body is doing something…hopefully in the MRD negative category and working with the donor cells to fight cancer.

I got trolled by my mother this morning about. I’m barely down the second set of stairs and she says… “So like your yellow sweater…do you think that’s a good color?” I look at her…. “It’s 8:30am, why are you choosing violence?” She doesn’t understand the sarcasm. She says, “Well with you being jaundiced, you’re very yellow. And your sweater makes you that much more yellow. You’re just YELLOW!” Knowing she wouldn’t understand I gave her a look and said “You’re such a racist.” And proceeded down the stairs. I thought I looked very cute in yellow…but then again I don’t just randomly look at myself in a mirror. Mostly cause I truly don’t recognize my own reflection. I don’t look like me to me…it’s a little weird.

Sometimes I look at myself and I do a quick double take. Man, there are a lot of wrinkles. When did I get those? F*ck, I really am yellow and purple. Sometimes its as simple as “Them pull up Depends look good on your girl!” They keep me from wetting the bed and running to the bathroom and eating sh*t along the way because inevitably something is in front of me and I’m going to trip. Does my husband troll me with “That’s hot!” when he sees me in my diapers. Absolutely. Do I respond with “You know it!” …without missing a beat. It’s the season I’m in right now. I gave away BOXES of tampons away because I’m not longer in that season of life. I buy two packages of Amazon Depends when they are on sale. That’s my season of life right now. Will it be forever? I hope I can wear normal underwear one day, but even if I don’t and have to wear Depends forever…I’m good, cause I’m not dead. Like all this is trivial in my eyes. I’m alive. All the other stuff isn’t really serious.

I think that’s the perspective that I am grateful to have gained. What in your life is actually important? What is actually serious? And if it’s not serious…why do you care? Being a more type A control freak, I have always given a sh*t about everything. Now I kinda just watch it fall to the ground and my reaction is “That happened.” Cause you can’t fix it, change it, control it…or anything it. You just watch. So break out the popcorn and watch. Afterwards see if you can pivot. If you can pivot, if you can’t…f*ck it.

There is something liberating about that. Now I haven’t gone full shaman. But becoming more and more “That happened.” Mostly it’s because just living is a lot on my plate, there’s no more room for anything I can’t control.