Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I had a really hard time sleeping last night despite taking a sleeping pill. It was well past 1 before I actually went to bed. I had a 8:00am blood draw, she was here closer to 8:30am but I needed to take my morning meds anyway so I had no choice but to be awake. My bandage is oozing a little more today, so I need to maybe show the Home Health Nurse tomorrow. I really Need J or C at COH to take a look at triage, they know the piccs inside and out.

Have The Eras Tour on while I write – I so wish I could have taken S with me to Sofi but I was relapsing at the time with another round of intense chemo and couldn’t take her. We did to go the movies and see it on a Thursday instead of the Friday Taylor originally said she was going to release the movie. We had our popcorn and slurpees and sang out hearts out. The first song after Cruel Summer was “The Man” which is my personal anthem. Every lyric to that song I heard in my heart at every f*cking meeting, every time some man “man-splain” something where I was the literal expert in the arena.

Today I take a back seat, not because I gave up on my career or my profession but because I know I am replaceable at work…but completely irreplaceable at home. My value is mom, wife, daughter, friend, aunt…not employee #123456. My employee number will not be anywhere near my tomb stone. So why give such a f*ck at work? For a good job? Gold sticker? How about the face on these children’s faces when they head off to bed and say “Good night Mama, I love you. I’ll see you in the morning!” That’s the gold sticker I need.

I made a Quinoa and Bean Salad this morning and got to share them with some kind friends. When we lived up north I had a Mommy-helper that looked after L while I worked named C. She was a college student and would come care for baby L. This was her recipe, so every time I make it I remember how much she loved L and how she cared so much for him. She is now married and about to have her own baby.

J headed out on his Costco/Grocery store adventure while the kids bummed around the house. L and I made some bread which I need to shape soon…which I need to shape now.

So you know how to when you start something simple…and it turns out not to go as planned and you pivot. Well…. PIVOT. I shaped the bread and then I thought I’d make a simple dinner – Turkey Muffins. (Ground turkey, stove top stuffing, shredded cheese and bone broth) it was a quick and easy dinner. Until…I opened the cheese drawer to find the bottom covered in blood that leaked from the top shelf from the stew meat. Eye roll…I had to clean out the cheese drawer with all its contents as well as the upper shelf in which the blood leaked from. After cleaning it all off I had to do something with the stew meat.

It took me well over 30 minutes to cut up all the meat into little chunks. But this was my first meal that I have completed on my own for my family since I’ve been sick. March 20, 2023 I started this life pivot and March 16, 2024 has been the first time I have been able to not feel like a useless potato and make a full meal for my family to eat. Everyone said it was delicious, to be honest…even if they lied to me, I’m still so grateful I was able to prepare it. I made a post on my IG (I don’t post much to social media but I was so excited) about how I have spent most of my children’s lives as a proud employee #12345 vs my priority as a mom and wife. Cancer made me pivot and see what actually matters and what doesn’t. I would have never had this perspective without cancer. Again, not grateful to cancer, but I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me this year.

It’s so easy to get into the hustle of day to day. It’s easy to think about money and career growth, especially in these times where everyone’s paycheck is stretched thin. Unless you are independently wealthy everything is stretched so naturally making ends meet is a focus on every family’s mind. But you also need to start thinking about how much you actually need. How much is actually necessary to sustain a family. Does it require that much hustle? Do you need the latest and greatest? Do they need to be in every sport? Do they need every art lesson? The answer is almost always “No.” We want to give our children everything, especially if we grew up poor. I know I did. “No.” Was always the word, because we couldn’t afford it. We barely had food on the dinner table. There was no room for any extra because we were below the ability to even attain regular meals. In fact, I remember a conversation with L for eating off the “sharing bench” – kids put their unwanted food and you can go and eat it. I remember talking to him about how much that bothered me and why it bothered me. Because he wasn’t hungry, he just was bored and saw more food. I explained to my 1st grader, that I was that kid that depended on the “sharing bench” for food because I didn’t have it at home. Granted this was a hard concept for my 1st grader to understand so we had multiple conversations over the course of time.

But I truly was that kid who looked to the “sharing bench” – it wasn’t that back then. It was a table next to the trash cans that the school aids would stop kids from throwing out their fat free milk, apples, oranges and bananas. There was one school aid I remember stuffing all that into my backpack. I would sit in the bathroom and inhale three apples like some weird monster. But it would keep my stomach from growling. So I get the drive to give your kids more. I sometimes felt like the poster child for that. I’m always paranoid that my kids will go hungry and we will live under a bridge. People think I am far from that, but if you look at society it just takes one bad hand for things to really turn for the worse.

So I sacrifice and I work, and work and work and work. I chase that paycheck, I also chase the glory…let’s not sit here and say ego wasn’t a factor. Yes, what starts out as paycheck tangos with ego as well. The hustle can get really sexy and addictive. All of a sudden the attraction is almost so intoxicating that you forget who the f*ck you are. I know I did. I forgot how desperate we were to get pregnant with L. I forgot how long we tried for him but were unsuccessful. I forgot how amazing he smelled when they put him cheek to cheek with me when he was born. The intoxicating relationship I had with work overtook me, because two days after I gave birth I went back to work.

Cancer made me pivot. Dr. C literally told me to go home and pack and start chemo March 20, 2023. It wasn’t a request. You have 96.8% cancer in your bone marrow…so you can start chemo and fight to live or you can die. When people tell me how “strong” I am and how much of a “fighter” I am…there is always that cringe voice in my head that says “Um…my alternative was dying” Is that really strength? Cause for me it’s more fear. I don’t want to die. I want to raise my children. I don’t want to leave them. But you read about people choosing not to fight cancer on social media. I don’t know their reasons but I’m sure they have them and it’s their own right. But for me? No Partner. No thank you. We riding this all the way. I got babies to raise, pots to stir. I wanna be here. With or without taste buds. (Admittedly without taste buds Imma be snatched ASF! I already am….just saying.) Though I’m still yellow and purple and I don’t think that’s a flattering color to be. So maybe not snatched ASF…I mean Barney was just full purple but he wasn’t snatched.

After dinner we watched Aquaman 2, well…J and I did. The children had already seen it in the theatre. The smell of my bread baking however got them all to come back downstairs.

This was actually made my L – I just instructed from the couch this morning. Gave him the step by steps of how to make it, and finally added a touch more flour because the dough felt sticky. He was very surprised that everything was weighed. While it is just flour, yeast, salt, sugar and water…without the proper portions it’s not going to turn out. I originally made these for chicken parm sandwiches that were going to be for dinner, then pivoted to turkey muffins…then pivoted again to beef and broccoli. We’ll try again for chicken parm sandwiches tomorrow. Considering J and the kids already devoured one of the sandwich loafs – I think they liked it. The bread is wasted on me anyways, I can’t taste it.

Today was a great day, not because I felt super great. I was actually pretty tired and my blood pressure was super low today. I was barely 91/63 most of the day. Every stand required a few moments to brace myself and get my blood flowing. It was a great day because I was reminded of what it felt like to be a mom again. What it felt to yell upstairs “Dinner is ready!” and hear their stomping down the stairs “Ohhh it smells good.” Looking at their clean bowls filled my heart as well. I got to be Mom again today. I’ve missed being Mom. I’m not saying Mom is making dinners, washing dishes and doing laundry…slow down before you come for me. Mom is all that and so much more. I am a doctor, lawyer, judge, chef, maid, laundry expert, Uber driver, ATM, makeup artist, cosmetologist, hair stylist, nail tech, massage therapist, investigator, therapist, storyteller, juror, security, mean monster, cuddle buddy, logistics coordinator, operations controller, CEO, CFO, COO, CTO…I’m the f*cking Board of Directors b*tches! I am everything. That is Mom.

I got to be Mom again today. I wasn’t a discarded crumpled piece of paper needing to be cared for. I was able to be self sufficient and caretake. I got to be Mom.

The hustle was sexy…but being Mom fills my soul that the hustle NEVER did. The hustle fills your pockets and your house full of stuff. Stuff is cool, but in my current “Marie Kando Era” – stuff is really easily thrown into the trash. If we haven’t used it in a year…we never needed really needed it. Feeding your family a meal that you created. That hits a different level…and with that I go to bed wondering if I should use the remaining sandwich bread as French toast in the morning…and make more bread or stick to my chicken parm dinner.