Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s tough to answer “How are you?” – because I don’t actually know. From the pneumonia (GVHD) front, I am a million times better than I was 5 weeks ago in fact the Home Health Nurse said that my lungs sounded clear, there is mucus and coughing after a breathing treatment which is expected since that is the point of it. I’m on a prescription type of mucinex so again, expelling mucus while not elegant is expected. I can breathe. So from that front I’m good.

From the cancer side, I don’t know. It’s a waiting game. It’s not within my control. What I can control is keeping myself healthy, walking, eating and resting…the rest of it I need to treat as an upward trend. I booked all the camping from March until September. I need something to look forward to again. I need something to bring me joy.

My hair is slowly growing in, I have more hair than an infant but less than a toddler. I realize it’s superficial but when I catch my reflection I simply don’t look the same. I lost about a half a person worth of weight. My floppy big breasts are now floppy small breasts. My once non-existing butt is not loose skin and flab butt. My thighs are the same, loose skin and flab. It’s hard to look at. I’m grateful to this body, this body…it got put through some heavy stuff. This body held together through 8 rounds of chemo and 4 rounds of full body radiation. It held together through horrible diverticulitis, radiation burns, radiation pain, manual bone marrow aspirations, pneumonia, pink eye…GVHD rash. It held. I am giving myself grace and giving this flabby body grace because it held together through some really hard treatment.

So I care for it with coconut oil, moisturizers and lip balms. I put my eye drops in when my eyes are dryer than the desert (thank you radiation). I let the hot water run over my body and enjoy the warmth. I eat what I can that isn’t overly processed and I keep my body moving. For now it’s 1.0 mph for 20 minutes. That’s not my limit, but that’s where I am. I’ll increase some weight with either ankle weights or dumbbells as I gain more stamina. It took me almost a year to get there, it will take me just as long to build myself back up.

But I notice I’m gentler with myself. I’m not fully steady on my feet, and I have tripped and fallen a few times this week just loosing balance. Not because I was dizzy or anything…just clumsy. I protect my head with my arms and let my hips and elbows take the brunt of it. I’ve been on my own “Marie Kando” path since feeling like I can breathe. The trash is full already and there are about 6 bags of stuff sitting behind the couch that will need to wait until next week. Papers, tchotchkes, (not going to lie had to straight up use voice to text to get the spelling of that!) random rubber bands, twist ties…all that crap went in the trash. Room by room, if I haven’t used it…it goes in the trash. S cleaned up her room and donated close to 6 bags of clothing that she no longer fits into. (Again, let’s be honest it wasn’t willingly…she wanted a new pair of jeans. So the bargain, you go through the tornado of a bedroom and donate what doesn’t fit or what you no longer enjoy wearing.) She got her “ripped” jeans that are still appropriate for school and I got a her to clear out the tornado. Her Ciocia is going to take her to the thrift store on Saturday. We shall see what she comes home with.

I have a special treat for myself on Thursday. My nail tech that I have been with for the last 8 years is going to come to my house and do my nails. I’m beyond excited. I know it’s not good for me, I know that my nails are brittle and thin and all the things. But I want to feel human, I want to feel like a woman. I have even started to wear my “special occasion” necklace. Cause I’m alive…why am I not wearing the sh*t out of it. I’m also going to start using the good glasses that I got from our wedding. Because today is good, I’m alive and I am breathing…I’m going to drink my milk in the nice glass. I’m done saving things for “only special occasions” right now is the special occasion! The best part of it all, I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t feel ashamed to use it now. I’m excited. As I “Marie Kando” through the house, I threw out all the “sample” makeup cause I’ll use it later. Nope Trash. I need to do the same in the kitchen. We don’t need to use the plastic IKEA cups anymore…we are not toddlers. Let’s graduate to big kid cups…like glass. If you drop it and it breaks, we’ll clean it up and start again. Simple as that. Hmmm, maybe my little one can still use the metal cups.

I am by NO MEANS one of these women who are put together. I usually don’t match or I wear all black…because it’s safe. In fact if it wasn’t for D I would STILL be wearing the same JCPenny Arizona Jeans from High School except in the larger size. Yup. I no nothing about fashion, makeup and being put together. ZERO.

Now for work, that’s easy…power suit, singular color dress and jacket. Done! Eyeliner (with the stamp wing…cause no, I just can’t….I have no skills), ONE color of eye shadow in the nude/brown zone, mascara because I have no eyelashes and lipstick. That’s it. that’s all I do and I’m off to a business meeting or the office. When Covid hit…I flipped that camera up with ZERO makeup. Absolutely zero f*cks given. So getting dressed professionally for work and putting make up on…never made me feel “put together”….it was my nails.

My nails were always perfect. Coffin shaped or square with rounded corner. Full set acrylic nails in three colors only: “Put it in Neutral” , “Black Onyx”, “I’m Really not a Waitress” by OPI. That’s it. Those are my only 3 colors. I did French Tips in HS/College and realized…you have to be put together to wear those type of nails. You can’t roll out of bed with French Tips in PJs. But Black and Neutral – I could wear a garbage bag. (And I did during rush week!) Special occasions, were for “I’m Really Not a Waitress” – if I needed a confidence boost, Thanksgiving, Xmas…etc. Otherwise I’m boring Black/Neutral.

So this Thursday despite this not being good for me, I’m going to feel like a woman again. I’m all for it. It’s good for my soul.

Til then…COH tomorrow for labs and visit with Dr. P, eye appointment for new glasses (again thank you radiation) as everything is blurry now. So I assume either I need bifocals or my prescription is worse because I can’t see anything crisp. This body carried me through cancer. I’ll help it where I can. I’m in a good headspace this week, I want to keep it in that direction. I feel physically better and now I need to match the mental energy.