Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

The reality is cancer is a very lonely illness. I mean every illness is, no one else can go through it for you. But it’s a LONG illness. It’s not one that you bounce back from in a week or two. It’s the same text messages being exchanged. “Hey! How are you doing?” “Hanging in there!” I know the neighbors mean well, but that’s the typical exchange. That’s not the lonely part. The lonely part is when your family is out doing their thing and you are in a room alone for 5-6 hours at night and 7 hour during the day. You sit alone. Now if I didn’t have cancer, I would be able to wonderfully occupy my time. Even with cancer, if I didn’t feel like trash…I, too, could find something to do. Watch some TV, listen to some music, go for a walk…but curled up into the fetal position there’s not much to do.

You could write…I could. Sometimes sitting up right is a lot of effort. I’m writing now because I just took a doxycycline and I can’t lay down for 30 minutes and I’m using the nebulizer at the same time. Sometimes the family doesn’t want to sit in my room and watch TV with me. Sometimes they just want to be out. And they should. Why lock people into a room with me when they don’t want to be there. I’d rather they be happy and enjoy. Initially they were going to come home after the first game and maybe we’d spend time together. Then they wanted to go to the second game. I explained how I’ve been alone in the house already all day, maybe they can hang out with me? Everyone was reluctant and hold up in their own respective rooms. I hate this jail myself why lock them into the same jail. So I texted. “Go. Enjoy.”

I have to fight the mental, emotional and physical part to this cancer and now pneumonia. This isn’t a knock on J or the children – they have to live their own lives. I have to fight to live mine. Just like I want to love myself more and put myself first – they should do the same. It sounds cruel but it’s really not, it’s just reality. I have to hold my own hand through this. I can lean, I can send fire memes, I can chat about your day and what ales YOU…but I have to hold my own hand on the daily.

I have to love me better than you can.