Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

COH has taught me the acute need to be self-aware and self-advocate. On one part, the facility has just an obscene amount of nurses, doctors, researchers, schedules, staff and security. That’s not even including the amount of people with cancer. Firstly, that’s just a lot of people…like the parking lots are ALWAYS full. I say that because that’s just a lot of families that have someone with cancer. So yeah, I hate this…but so do so so many people. Cancer sucks. It’s awful. Every patient has a Baba Yaga. Everyone has their demons that they need to quiet their voices. Some patients are young and some are expecting their great grandchildren to be born. Everyone has their trials and tribulations – and their journey…I know that this trial was to wake me up.

I graduated college on a Friday and started working the next day on Saturday. I never stopped. This is literally the first time I have ever stopped working. I didn’t take maternity leave after the birth of my children because I hid my pregnancy from my employer (I was remote at the time, before remote was really a thing). I went to work the Monday after I gave birth to my son on a Sunday and back to work at 8:00am on Monday like nothing ever happened. Took a sick day on a Tuesday to have my daughter and went back to work Wednesday like this sh*t was a breeze. I was scared to tell my employer and scared to tell my boss at the time. I was afraid I would be fired or worse be seen as less. I was so dumb. But this cancer has shown me the f*ck it attitude I should have always had for myself.

I found out this morning that my schedule for my COH visit would have been leaving the house at 6:00am and concluding my study observation at midnight and arriving home close to 1:00am. My first reaction was “What. The. F*ck!” I called my researched study nurse and was like…How is this reality? This isn’t setting me up for success, this is setting me up for quick sudden death.

He said it was out of his control and told me to call H. I called H and I begged, I explained how far we lived from COH and how the observation would bring me home at 1:00am. H said she would take care of it and rescheduled me for noon. Thank you H.

But before H saved me from a “breakdown” the first thing I looked up was a hotel for tonight until 2/1. Because I was going to sleep comfortably (as much as you can for a hotel) get up closer to my appointment and eat the free continental breakfast the hotel offered and get my labs/dresssing changed, go back to the hotel to relax for an hour and then go back to the Dr.’s appointment and then back to the hotel for a 5 hour nap until the study infusion started. I was not going to sit in the wheelchair or sitting in the lobby waiting. Nope.

I say this because a year ago, I would have. A year ago, I wouldn’t DREAM of spending $98 a night on a hotel room for two nights to give myself comfort and convenience. Because I’m not worth it? Yes, exactly. I’m NOT worth $98 a night at a hotel. I’m NOT worth taking care of. A year ago, I wouldn’t be worth spending this money that I can’t take with me but can make more of…a year ago, I would not be worth a dime.

There’s a real sadness to the realization that for your life, you’ve treated yourself less and hope that others would treat you more. You look for it in your husband, your family, your friends…only NOW am I like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Firstly why would anyone treat you more if YOU don’t even treat you more? F*cking good question! I don’t have a good answer. I genuinely don’t have any answer for it except “yea, no…I wouldn’t think someone would treat me better than I treat myself.”

Cancer has taught me a lot of lessons. This was the first time I saw it come to fruition. Because yes I sent off a few emails, like…. “People….this is crazy. Please help me fix this.” But the very next thing I did was look up hotels, looked at pictures of the rooms, the amenities they had…maybe if it was empty I’ll lay out by the pool. Like I legit looked up ways for me to be comfortable and relaxed. Thankfully Duarte isn’t in Malibu because then I’d hesitate for a $5,000 a night room. But I’d see if there was a near by RV Park I could stay at. The point was that today the knee jerk reaction wasn’t I guess I’ll just sit and wait for 12+ hours; it was “F*ck! Okay well how do I make this more comfortable for myself then.” For people who love themselves more and for people who have always love themselves more…this is a wild, wild notion that you wouldn’t get a $98 a night hotel. But for people who have spent their teen/adult life always feeling less than, never belonging…this was tremendous act of self-love. Something I have never felt before, me putting me on a pedestal.

Maybe Miley isn’t too far off…maybe I can buy myself flowers, hold my own hand, and love me better than anyone can.