Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

One day at a time…

Frozen

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep last night and took my Ambien but I still woke up at 3:00am to use the bathroom. I laid there until J’s alarm when off and came downstairs to make oatmeal. S makes oatmeal that is seriously undercooked and not enough water. I will need to keep teaching her. “Thank you Mama for breakfast.” My heart screams “It’s my honor.” I reply “Of course my love.” I have to find a way to will and manifest the next 50 years into fruition.

I went to see their school concert today. It broke my heart, my babies. I just want to be here longer with you and raise you. I know I have to think positive. I have to be positive. This is not the end. No one has told me this is the end. I haven’t even seen the doctor yet. This is Baba Yaga putting fear and terror. Of course any mom wouldn’t want to leave their children. So Baba Yaga is pushing my limits, she is telling me to fear now and not just enjoy my moments with them. Baba Yaga is also reminding me to not just sit at home while life isn’t being lived. We bought a wheelchair – I won’t just sit at home. I want to be a part of their lives not just look at photos. I want to create the memories not just look at them through someone else’s lens.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t fall asleep. I just laid there with my eyes closed, mind going. I know I need medicine to sleep I’m far too anxious.

Currently scheduled for an echocardiogram tomorrow at 7:00am

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About Me

Hello, my name is Nina. I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I am lover of country music, & 80’s love ballad. I love me some karaoke! I identify as hot mess mom. I get it wrong, all the time. On the rare occasions I get it right? Even I’m shocked.

I am a working professional in the field of Compliance. I am mother two, daughter to immigrant parents, wife to a “redneck” – and proud of it, sister-in-law to the two most incredible human beings I have ever met and a niece that is just so cool but doesn’t know it.

I work too hard and play too little. I’ve always focus on the wrong thing and never quite sure if I’m ever enough. I grew up on the East Coast and was a latchkey kid in the 80’s and 90’s – I dodged the sketchy people on the walk home and tried not to end up on a milk carton.

I went to a very privileged Boarding School on the East Coast and college after that. (So yeah that’s exactly why this journal will be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. On the days I feel good, I’ll type it out. On the days I don’t feel good it’ll be voice to text. I can not be held liable for the things Siri puts in as my “voice”. ) Graduated on a Friday and started Fleet Bank on a Saturday. I hustled my way through the midnight shift at DHL and hustled and hustled and hustled. I knew nothing except the hustle. (As I said, I’m a hot mess mom).

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