Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

J has been complaining about the laundry. So today is a day of progression where it took me an hour just to lift the baskets onto the bed. My first basket took so much exertion that I got dizzy and promptly laid on the bed. For a few minutes I have Aquaman in the background for some noise. I decided I’m not gonna worry about the email. I sent it out to people I think will help me and the rest is just the rest. Things will work out the way they’re supposed to. I remember as a kid hearing this proverb: “If it’s meant to be yours, there’s nothing you can do to shake it, but if it’s not meant to be yours, there are no prayers for you to make it happen.”

Not that I’m sticking my head in the sand, but sometimes mentally it doesn’t serve me to agonize over something I simply cannot control. Just like cancer I can’t control it I can do what I can eat well, take my meds, exercise and stay positive but beyond that I can’t control it. As much as I want to be as nonchalant and say, if I can’t control it, I won’t worry about it. The reality is of course I’ll worry about it. However, I can state if I can’t control it agonize over it. I know it’s there I know it has to be addressed. however things take time, requests take time… so I need to give it time and not obsess. Easier said than done.

I just found a shirt while folding laundry, that I really didn’t pay attention to. It’s a 2024 T-shirt that has all of the students names written in their own handwriting. This is the first time I’ve paid attention to the shirt that I’ve seen him wear a few times. I searched for his name, and when I found it, I ran my fingers across it. My beautiful baby. I missed out on a lot this year and that hurts my heart and I certainly don’t wanna dwell on what I’ve missed out on instead, I’d rather focus on what I can look forward to. Otherwise, the sadness washes over me and becomes overwhelming and quiet mornings where I sit alone in this house I look at the baby clothes that are now preteen clothes. The sadness becomes the paralysis to move forward. They don’t talk about the after. Doctors focus on the chemo they focus on the cancer. They focus on the medicine and then when they’re done they continue to focus on the medicine and then they direct their focus on preventing relapse. I feel like I’m left to navigate recovery life after, the anxiety, the fear… the loss of time. I originally started this blog as a way to detail this journey for my children in the event… in the event. These aren’t love letters to my children. Instead, it’s away for them to hear my voice my real voice unfiltered, raw voice.

I genuinely try not to have too many days like this wallowing in self-pity and sadness does me no good, but these days do happen to me no matter how positive I try to be. Sometimes when that sadness washes over and Baba Yaga whispering in my ear, I try to focus on the monotony. It’s 10:45 AM and I have finished folding five loads of laundry, but desperately need a nap.

I had a wonderful conversation today with A. Her unwavering friendship has been incredible and I worry that I have not been as good of a friend to her as she has been to me. But I will work on it and be conscientious of ensuring that I am supportive as well. We were talking today about the new generation of kids and how Gen X has really gotten down on this new generation. And truth be told there are a lot of wacko things that this new generation has come up with, identify as a goat. Newsflash still human. But the one thing I do applaud, this new generation is there ability to self-care and self-love, even if they identify themselves as a monkey today and a turtle tomorrow. I’m still incredibly supportive of self identifying as not a taxpayer but somehow I don’t think the American government will support that. Our generation was brainwashed into being the first ones in the office, and the last ones out we were brainwashed to hustle and work hard to climb that corporate ladder. That hard work pays off when you work harder and the younger generation now smells the bull.

I’ve been waiting for the children to come home since this morning. I think I know how the dog feels without the butt licking I nap I do a little something for myself like watch TV I nap again and I wait. S came home but had practice at 4:00pm. L texted me to tell me he had practice right after school. Oh my god… I’m a Labrador retriever. I’m just waiting for my humans to come home and love on me.