Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

NYE looks different this year. We aren’t on our annual NorCal trip. Social media is flooded with everyone’s 2023 recaps. I started off my 2023 riding ebikes along the coast unfortunately we found out too late that the Costco, Jetson bikes that we had purchased didn’t really have the mileage and about 3/4 of a way back to our lodging. The batteries died lol. J left the three of us at a Panera while he pedaled it back to the car to pick us up. We initially thought he had the most amount of batteries left in the tank and would successfully make it back to the truck. We were all wrong and it died 2 miles before you reach the truck so he walked, in the dark, in the rain until he reached his truck and picked us up. So sorry. Once we got home and school started, we returned all of the Jetson Costco bikes that we purchased and got ourselves a proper e-bike. Once the kids went back to school, we were in the thralls of flag football. L’s team was amazing and we had a fantastic coach and ultimately finished out the season with the W! We celebrated the lunar new year at a hot pot restaurant, which turned out to be a complete disaster with arguing with the waiter and restaurant management. I was not a part of that argument, stating for the record lol. I eeked out early March to help my friend find a baby shower venue. Then I watched my son play at a basketball tournament for school.

Then… cancer. Biopsies, picc lines, port lines, peripheral lines, hemoglobin, platelets, white blood count… all this new vocabulary, all these new scenarios became my day to day. I photo album became full of hospital photos and I became a spectator to my children’s lives through pictures sent by friends. I witnessed my children in 2023 through others view of them. In 2023 I ate more pills than I did food I laid in hospital beds more than I walked around my neighborhood. I FaceTime my children more than I hugged them. I ate more hospital food than I did home-cooked meal. November 9 I rang the bell out of City Of Hope. On a level I thought it was a finish line bell, but the truth in reality is… it’s not. Really just symbolized that I finished my transplant, I finished my chemo and radiation, and I was off to the next leg of my journey.

What does healthy look like? What does cured look like? What does better look like? I don’t know maybe it means I feel better but I don’t know how to quantify it. I don’t know how to measure healing especially when it’s one day great two days of garbage. I’m past 60 days post transplant yet my bones still hurt I constantly feel cold. I have barely an appetite, and I have no sense of taste, except for sour and bitter, I can’t sleep without Ambien and when I do, it’s barely 5 hours. I almost feel like a zombie.

As I look to 2024 I have mixed emotions. I’m scared and hopeful – I know I need to push the fear out of my mind. I know that I need to walk into 2024 positively, because if I let fear rush in – it will paralyze me. I already feel semi paralyzed. Most mornings I don’t get out of bed until well into mid-morning, no brushing of teeth until late afternoon…I lay there in bed and mindlessly, scroll through social media, letting the time slip away. Some days before I go to bed I set out goals for myself, I’m going to call this person and make this appointment, do this or do that. But just cleaning the kitchen wrecked me, so what goals can I make for myself? I’m gonna wake up and brush my teeth. Wow, huge goals, so proud of myself.

I at least got out this morning for a walk, slow but I walked nonetheless andI showered. I never knew bathing took so much effort and it’s so much easier to just use the chlorhexidine wipes sometimes. Second goal, shower! I feel like this is a low point. Like when your day-to-day goal is to brush your teeth and shower, I need to reevaluate and seriously reconsider what the heck I’m doing. What exactly is resting and recovering? What does it entail? Do I just watch true crime dramas? Do I start on the 2 pound weights when I can barely open my pill bottles? Do I walk up and down the stairs and start building lean muscle? What am I doing with my life? Oh my God what is rest and recovery? It feels more like a slow death than actual living. This doesn’t feel like living or recovering.

I found out today that my beautiful friend A had her 5th baby three weeks ago. She got pregnant a month after my cancer diagnosis and didn’t wanna tell me but three weeks ago delivered her beautiful baby my heart was both happy and a little sad at the same time she had a hard pregnancy and was afraid to share her sorrows, because she felt that what I was going through was more than her pain and her suffering. I never want to be that person or that friend that makes it their own journey, more important than someone else’s journey. But I get it I’m still navigating through it myself and quite frankly I don’t understand it fully. Cancer is poison, but I don’t want it to poison my friendships, my family, my memories or my experiences and I need to find a way to dig myself out of this depression. I need to find a way to reverse this venom. Because I feel more like a spectator to life than actual participant. I feel like I’m watching everyone live while I rest and recover whatever that means.

It’s 10 o’clock at night everyone has returned from the fire. You’ve heard how monopoly is a game that it’s banned from some families because it literally makes them into monsters so it becomes a game that is not played for us… it’s Taboo I don’t know what about the Honker, the timer, or our inability to get it together, but at the end of that game, someone is usually in a bad mood.

I don’t know what 2024 has for me in this family, I know in the 2023 changed our trajectory, and as a family collectively we shifted. I hope that in this new coming year the rest and recovery will pay off. I hope the new biopsy, in the next few weeks will show that the transplant worked and the MRD will come back negative. I hope that I can nurture the friendships that are dear to me with every ounce of my love. I hope I am more present with my children and show them life is worth livingto the fullest versus chasing after paper. I hope to cheer and celebrate at the games and watch them grow another year older and wiser. I hope that I could give myself the grace and latitude to heal. I hope in 2024 is to be better… better mother, better wife, better friend… better me. I know at some point in 2024 I will return to work and I hope I truly know what my priorities are and where to invest my time.

Happy New Year Nina. May this next year be better!