Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I received a text early this morning 5:30am that when I woke up to please give a call. The text said that it wasn’t good news. I called when I got up. The words “My father died last night.” I’m in shock. He was over the house last night, I said. “Yes, he was.” How? How does this happen? He wasn’t sick? How does he just…go? Mrs. W called 911 at 3:00am and they worked on him for 45 minutes by the time Jo got to the house. They took him to the hospital and worked on him some more. Jo knowing that both parents would not want life saving measures in order to live had to the say the words. Jo had to ask the medical professionals to stop working on Mr. W. Jo and I are both only children, we both will face this one day…I just didn’t think Jo would face this today. I spoke to Mrs. W today while they were at the grocery store; she was so chipper when she spoke to me. “OMG, How are you?” She said. She is in complete shock. I chatted with her and told her about my cancer and how things have been going on. We chatted like we were old pals at high tea catching up. I just kept her occupied as Jo checked out of the grocery store.

I met Mr. W in 2006; he’s one of those dad’s that was just everyone’s’ dad. He had a gentle kind way of teaching, caring and comforting. Mr. W taught me how to drive a stick shift and when I stalled on a hill. He did not panic, he calmly said “Break. You’re okay. Let’s start over.” He used to work for Budweiser and when we were in garage I got to see all his memorabilia. As well as the Clydesdale horses that he had a really cool photo of. He was there for me when I made really tough decisions that I couldn’t turn to my own parents about. He didn’t ask for details, he just cared for me and offered his wisdom. I was afraid that he would judge me if I told him the details. I’d like to think that he wouldn’t judge me, because simply he wasn’t that type of person. I can’t do much for Jo; I can’t even get to the bathroom on my own let alone fly out. I love you Mr. W – while I can’t be with Jo and Mrs. W for you – I’ll help where I can from here. Rest easy.

Here today, gone tomorrow. Life is so very precious and so very short. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. I know this from the leukemia, clearly how precious life is and how fast it can disappear. How fleeting things are. It truly is a blink of the eye. More and more I question the choices I have made and without being preachy I want to shout to the rooftops…don’t allow toxic in your life, don’t live to work, don’t put yourself last. If it doesn’t bring you joy…be done. We only go around once, even if there is reincarnation- you’re only going to be this you, once. Treasure the moments, every moment. There’s nothing better to do but to treasure it.

Last night I got the biopsy results. J and I laid in bed and I saw the text message “new test results” and we opened it.

There is no cancer in the biopsy. The first milestone biopsy. This is huge, this means the transplant was successful and I am steadily on the road to recover. I do have to address the heart issue that I’ve been having lately. My heart rate is spiking 130-140 bpm when I standup. I think it’s POTS which is “Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) is a condition that causes a number of symptoms when you transition from lying down to standing up, such as a fast heart rate, dizziness and fatigue. While there’s no cure, several treatments and lifestyle changes can help manage the symptoms of POTS.” I think perhaps my muscles have deteriorated to a point where it’s not pumping blood back to my brain sufficiently. Either way, I need to let Dr. P know and see if there is something I can do to help manage this.

Beyond this, it’s a great result and I’m so grateful to not only be alive, but also cancer free.