Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s 2:00am; I can’t sleep. I am trying to work through my rage and I can’t. My son would tell me that I am giving this person free rent in my head. He is wise beyond his years and he’s right. All I can think of is that we were done but we keep getting sucked back in. In my mind; hatred is spewing out of me. I should be sleeping. Restful sleep is a major part of my recovery. It’s not happening tonight because I can get over it. D called it emotional terrorism and that’s exactly what this is. How does one break from a toxic relationship? I imagine it’s not easy to do. I have dealt with my own forms of toxic relationships which have taken me years to see clearly and finally walk away from. It wasn’t hard or easy for me – it was something I needed to identify and move from. This isn’t to say I don’t message Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas – but it is to say beyond that; there is nothing else. But not every toxic relationship is the same. Other toxic relationships need to be stopped permanently, those relationships need to die where there isn’t a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday instead there is only loud silence.

It is a stand where no more energy or attention is paid to that person anymore. The relationship has simply died and subsequently the person follows suit and is also considered dead. The objective is to sever any future occurrences that could come up. There was a promise made last episode that was not honored. The promise was that we were done with drama and she could not be in our lives anymore. But tonight I was told that promise was not real and I feel sucker punched. So how do I unpack this? My mind is filled with the most heinous thoughts. I don’t know how to unpack this toxic relationship, this emotional terrorism, this cancer. That’s what this relationship is for me: it’s cancer. I don’t want anything to do with cancer…in me or around me.

The reality is that we all have toxic relationships in our lives, some we are able to end…some stay but have now become such a small part of our existence. I have two toxic relationships one from blood and one from marriage. Both are cancerous. One of those toxic relationships I have held my tongue and have never said my peace…but do I have to? Is it necessary to speak those words? I mean I could, I could pick up the phone and let Satan free. What good would it serve? It wouldn’t serve any good…I would temporarily feel great and feel free. I would hurt her back. And then? Would it feel like vomiting, where after you vomited there was relief? You’d feel better? Rather than holding it inside?

I’m struggling to find what letting go is like for me. What is ending the relationship like? Am I refusing every card she sends with Return to Sender? Is this family consistently waiting for her good days and when she had her episodes of emotional terrorism we pull away? Do we consistently do this song and dance with her? Is that not the very definition of insanity? Or do we not expect a different outcome…we just perpetuate and feed into the drama and do this dance with her over and over. She has good days, we forgive her and welcome her, then she has her episodes and we get verbally abused and we distance ourselves from her until she’s good again.

Yea, no….nothing about that brings me any joy. Nothing about excusing someone’s mental illness brings me joy. Not a doctor, but crystals don’t heal mental illness. She can’t help it. That’s been the excuse I keep getting to keep me quiet. I mean I can’t help being a b*tch but I have to. She can’t get professional help? She can’t see a therapist? She can’t seek adjustments to her medication? Or just seek medication? I feel like this is a cop out. The resources today for mental illness are there. This isn’t the mental illness of the 70s, 80s or 90s…it’s 2023. That’s what mental illness is, they are incapable of seeking help. Okay…but does that mean I need to keep exposing myself and my children to this. You are incapable of getting help. Got it. But it doesn’t mean you should be allowed in my life to disturb my mental health. I should not hurt my mental health for you. My children should not suffer their mental and emotional health for you.

Mix landed in LAX, he’s about to pick up his car and head down to the Airbnb. FIL has left, so incredibly grateful to have had him here to have helped with the children and my recovery. He has been an absolutely blessing. I hope there is a day in the future him and I can ride the e-bike together with S in tow. I think that’s a very pretty hope…but won’t be a reality.

I’m starting to develop a cough, so I’m going to rest for the remainder of the day before Mix heads over to the house.