Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

The mantra this morning is “It’s Fine!” – but I’m low key freaking out. CA EDD denied my claim because Dr C transitioned me to Dr G but Dr G couldn’t amend the claim because it was Dr C that did it – Dr C wrote that I was no longer under his care…and now my claim is denied. So am I freaking out? It’s fine it’s fine. Yes I’m freaking out. Can I pay my mortgage next month without this claim being executed… nope but it’s fine. Have I wiped out my savings in the last two months. Yup, but this is fine it’s fine. I resubmitted the letter to fight the claim and simultaneously submitted a brand new claim with Dr. G to try to cover both bases since it takes 7 to 10 business days for CA EDD to even respond. So, despite responding the next day I won’t hear back for another 7 to 10 business days. It’s fine. This is fine.

J and I got up at 4:15 in the morning yesterday to head to the biopsy appointment at 6:00 am. Unfortunately, there was a horrific accident on 605 which caused a 45 minute delay for us and I was late to the appointment. As we were driving in traffic, we just noted that someone else was having a pretty rough morning. Sure we were late to our biopsy appointment, but perspective someone else was having a really rough day. When we arrived at 6:30 for the appointment; we saw the news and that’s when we found out it was a fatal crash. Perspective. In the grand scheme of things…perspective. I was late to an appointment…it was someone’s last day. J and I both said we hope that it was the one who cause the crash and not the innocent bystanders. However more often than not – it’s the innocent ones that pay the price. Very sad.

Biopsy check in was easy – seemed like I wasn’t the only one that was late. Within a few minutes we went into the pre-op room to get ready, and shortly afterwards, my most favorite RN B popped in to say hello – it’s because of her that I no longer have to be subjected to outpatient manual bone marrow aspirations. all the other bone marrow biopsies that I have ever done were at CT with light sedation only at City Of Hope did I ever experience an outpatient manual bone aspiration where they basically take a wine opener and dig into your hip with a little bit of lidocaine to numb the area. Yeah…no! One lidocaine is complete bullsh*t and two lidocaine is complete bullsh*t.

Within about an hour and a half I was out and about and ready to do my labs. It was another scoot…scoot…and passed out. I was able to weasel myself out of a Friday appointment. I made it for Sunday at 12:30pm in case I don’t feel well. We got home a little after 2:00pm.

She decided to do it again. We are back on the crazy train. I try very hard not to write about her when I’m angry but the last time she decided to act out I took the higher road. She is no longer welcomed in my home. But now I will actively block her from my family. She decided to get snarky when asked if she was feeling okay. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I can hear on the phone. “Just seeing how you were feeling.” I feel my blood boiling. We’re done. I say in the background. “I thought you weren’t speaking to me anymore.” I say aloud “Goodbye. We’re done.” I’m furious…when she got into it with my daughter, I wasn’t strong enough to go toe to toe. I’m of clear mind and while I don’t have much energy, I’m prepared to go to war with her. This time I’m not going to hold back. I’m boiling angry right bone that I can’t even see straight. The trials and tribulations of your past are not an excuse for your poor behavior. I can’t see straight at this point.