Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I haven’t left the room today, J hooked me up to the IV before he left for the farmers’ market. I slept some more when they all left and stayed in bed for the remainder of the day. Mix is visiting me on Friday which I’m elated! Not only do I have one 27 year old friend that claimed me from the hospital ; I’m lucky enough to have a second 27 year old friend to come visit me after my milestone biopsy on Wednesday. My cup completely run over. I set the expectations of an electric blanket and an ocean view. I still need J to bring me up and down the stairs but hope to be stronger and stronger. I’ve been looking at future ways to gain strength; one is strength training. While walking will need to be an added activity for me, I agree with some strength training. I gotta start with my 1lb weight.

Getting up to go to the bathroom is already a feat, like…wow that’s a lot of core strength that I don’t have. Core strength and leg strength to sit and get up from the toilet. Haha that’s where I am now. I’m trying to keep positive and let things ebb and flow. I know it will take time, and while it’s hard to just stand still right now and just sleep in bed all day…I need to trust the process. I want to cook a meal for my kids, help them out with school, pick them up from school, take them to the farmers’ market…instead I sit at home at miss out. It’s hard not to feel a little disappointed in the speed of the healing process. Trust the process.

I’ve been trying to eat more fruit but my order of blackberries were molded, so that happened. I’ve been looking up ways to keep my hemoglobin up. I need to at least have my mind clear. When I dipped down last tie, I struggled to form words and spit out anything I was wanting to say. I hate that trapped feeling; trapped in my own mind. That terrifies me. A lot terries me, because I know just how much I can lose now. I saw J’s hair today…and asked if I could call for an appointment to cut his hair. He said no. I’ve been cutting his hair since before L was born; so now he refuses to let anyone else cut his hair. I said, “You look like you don’t have a wife.” He said, “I do, she’s very much alive but no one will cut my hair except for her.” It’s not that is something so special for us for me to cut his hair – but I guess something we have just gotten used to and something that just feels normal to us. Guess he’ll be shaggy until I stronger.

Milk. I discovered milk and it’s not sour. It’s not bitter it’s not anything and I can drink it. Oh my gosh I’m so excited. Though I am lactose intolerant. This will be interesting. Still searching for iron rich foods on the internet. I made some kimchi cucumber and almost died yesterday so I clearly need more rest. You would think that I spent hours cutting cucumbers. Nope all I did was add the ingredients and almost fainted. OK Pierre hurry up and regenerate in my bone marrow. I gotta be able to do some basic things like brush my teeth without passing out and going to the bathroom without needing a two hour nap.