Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

All around me I see the little graces in text messages, memes or photos sent to just say hello. it feels inconsequential but to me these graces are incredibly valued by me. It’s my lesson learned from this horrific cancer. 11/29 is my biopsy – this is a big day for me as it is my first milestone. So all the little graces are fueling my strength to keep pushing and pushing. Not only for my family but for these little graces that tell me I am loved. While we never know when our ticket will be punched we know we need to live it without regret and to be unapologetically yourself. Life with happiness and love in your heart. Don’t let things live rent free in your head if it doesn’t bring your joy. Otherwise what is the point? The money? Can’t take any of that with you. Steve Jobs took none of that to the other side. Bezos has to spend it on the new wife cause he ain’t taking any of those billions with him. You take nothing but the love that you created here with you. Nothing else goes. So the job that I poured myself into for 5 years will not only replace me in a heart beat but is meaningless. I’m an employee number. So I applaud my new manager – may the odds forever be in your favor. I hear it’s been a struggle.

And no it is not a dig; but a reminder to myself that the hydra has many heads. So I choose not to engage; instead learn my lesson and prioritize what actually matters. The rest – isn’t important. Prestige. The Glam. The Ego. But do you. This is only from the perspective of a leukemia patient that has been fighting this f*cking and is praying to be free of this cancer to live right. I’m praying for redemption.

Isn’t that what we all want? To get it right? I didn’t get it right my first time at motherhood; I f*cked it all up with L. Yelled when I shouldn’t. Scolded when I could have hugged. Hugged when I should have yelled. I screwed it ip with my first and found redemption with my second. The opportunity to learn from your mistakes are huge. Of course there are people who never redeem themselves; they simple keep making the same mistakes over and over because they don’t want to change. That the wasted life. The ones who don’t want to change ever. The ones who maybe are too blind to change. Who knows? I’m just chasing my redemption.

My rear end and the couch are slowly molding into one. It’s not a good look however it’s what I know needs to happen to recover. So I rent some movies and sit and sit and sit. I close my eyes when it’s time to nap and so it goes. I don’t do much more than that.

11/22 Morning. Back at hospital. I needed a blood transfusion today. My hemoglobin stats were super low. I was dizzy, foggy and very tired yesterday. J spots these dips much sooner than I can. They had to put me in the pediatric wing – there should not be a pediatric wing of any hospital. Just breaks my heart. Bravest humans are children.

I got a surprise today. A dedicated blood donation just for me. Thank you so much Mar for doing that for me. He works with J and comes down to donate blood since he’s O+. The nurse pointed it out and said “oh you have a dedicated donor” and since he was the only one I was like “WOW. That’s freaking amazing.” Thank you from the bottom of my heart.