Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Woke up at 4:30am despite my sleeping pills with my stomach singing to me. At this point any gas scares me (It sounds like a cat in my stomach meowing). As it could be explosive diarrhea, the fart of the century or plain hunger…I haven’t the slightest clue. But any sounds or movement give me great “paws” – I said what I said.

Both kids head back to school today. They got into it a lot this weekend – being an only child I don’t know that sibling fighting as well as J. But apparently their behavior is typical and normal; and yet I still look forward to them going to school so that they have their own peers to play with.

Stats dropped pretty low today and will need magnesium and potassium tomorrow. I will also need to see Dr G tomorrow which is great because we’re playing games with Dr P’s care team. I never truly understood the premise of the care team. I imagine that Dr. P is incredibly busy and the care team that he has works to field many of the potentially unnecessary request that could go to him. but these people are like the Great Wall of China. I can’t get through to have a reasonable 2 minute conversation with him. It’s very frustrating.

Heading to COH tomorrow for labs and see Dr P for 5 minutes. I don’t understand this at all but I guess it’s just part of it. It’s 4:30am and I’ve been up since 2:00am unable to fall asleep because the nausea is at level 10. Finally threw up at 4:00am and have some relief. I’m listening to my healing frequencies again; just for some peace. My body hurts a lot today and I’m tired; very tired.

D’s surgery is tomorrow. I know she will be fine but I have some anxiety; with any surgery there is a level of risk. I know the universe has her but I love her so I’m anxious. I send her so my much love and healing tomorrow.

D, M and F have been incredibly supportive throughout the last 7 months. I can not thank these ladies enough for the village they have created for my children. Can we all just move to a 60 acre property and be neighbors please? Been thinking about moving away from the rat race a lot as of late. I want a different life one that isn’t full of the hustle. I want a cow and a pig that roam around with a donkey that is an a*shole that I argue with on a daily basis cause he was being a donkey. That’s the major fight I want – I want to make my sourdough bread and complain that Kevin was being a buttface again cause he’s antagonizing the chickens and then stuck his tongue out at me. I want to talk about Tato (cow) needing a bath because him and Applesauce (pig) got into the mud. I want to talk about how the dogs chased Tato for an hour and we need a new cow toy cause the boys popped Tatos’ bouncy ball. That’s the most drama I want to be having. Is that wrong to just want peace? But where will my children finish school? And how is that school system? Will it be enough to give them the tools to achieve their dreams and goals? Am I preparing them for life and the tools needed for their path? Am I teaching them to just run because I want to run? Is this harming their future to make myself happy? Adulting sucks.

It’s 5:04am; I’m going to try a close my eyes with now more heavy thoughts in my head to keep me up.