Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

My discharge day was a dumpster fire! I got to ring the bell with my HS friend, Ste. She flew across the country from PA to CA, landed at LAX and rented a car to drive and see me for 4 days. When the door opened and she was there I was transported back to a 16 year old kid. She on the 5’8” bike and me on the borrowed 6’0” bike – why didn’t we switch bikes? Cause ummm…we like danger. I asked her if she followed our old HS’s IG page – she said no. I told her I had just done so a week ago and heard they were plowing PJs at family style. Her reaction was lightening quick, “What?! We never had that!” No we didn’t…no we didn’t. Family style dinners were these painfully forced dinner interactions you’d have to have with random teachers you didn’t know and random students you didn’t know eat together and making conversation. Great life skill; absolutely but I sure dreaded it every Wednesday. My most favorite meal from Family Style – Exploding Chicken. I think it’s called Chicken Kiev but I’m not sure. I only remember the ooozy butter in a beautiful pocket of chicken. We’re still trying to remember the name of a former English Teacher.

We both never felt like we fit in at our boarding school – we didn’t grow up with privilege and the school was privilege. Sometimes it hard to reconcile. At least it was for me.

Earlier in the week, I had heard the bell and quietly cried myself to sleep, wishing that was me right then and there. Except I had to wait it wasn’t my time yet I didn’t have the set of stats that supported it. But I still wanted it to be me to be able to have Ste come visit get on a 24 hour trek to see me and take me out of the hospital with some thing that I will never be able to thank her for. I didn’t just ring that bell. I rang the sh*t out of that bell. I yelled and wooted as the bell rang and rang and rang. My heart was so full of love and gratitude not because I got cancer but because of the lessons I’ve learned from cancer. I got a clap out as I was wheeled out of the hospital and as we were leaving the hospital to get on the road. I was relieved and grateful to be going home.

We picked up my medicine from CVS and headed to In-n-Out to pick up lunch for everyone, the roads looked familiar again. My father-in-law went to pick up my son. This would be a surprise for him as they started eating lunch he came in through the door. I waved at him. Unfortunately I was on the phone with the at home nurses at the same time, annoyed that I couldn’t give him my complete and undivided attention but I waved excitedly to himand then caught an attitude with these people on the phone and just said deliver the medicine and hung up. I wanted to see my boy. I wanted to hear about his outdoor education trip. I wanted to give my boy all the attention. He looked tired. “Hi baby! I’ve missed you I’m home are you surprised?” he looked at me with a big smile. “I am Mama. Welcome home!” at this point I get a text from nurse Jay “ Hey sis, you left your medicine in the room!” I respond “no fucking way. No fucking way” he laughs. “Oh yes way.”

We all head out, and my father-in-law takes me back to the hospital, but before we do, it’s time to pick up my little girl. As we drive up to the school, I tell my son to please head in and let the office know that I am there to pick her up, I slowly get out of the car and make my way into the front office to sign her out. Her teacher hears that I’m there and comes to give me a big hug. I told her “I’m sorry I need to take her out of school I just got out of the hospital and I need to see her.” My little girl sees me runs to me and hugs me she’s crying and I’m crying she’s back in my arms again.

We get into the car to go back to the hospital to pick up my meds and the drive all the way home. I’m not gonna lie by the time we got home I had nothing left. I was absolutely exhausted the next day my girlfriend D came to take me to my 11:30am appointment with Dr. P. Another day where we didn’t come home until close to 4:30pm – 5:00pm.

Both days had me absolutely exhausted.

The pain was starting to creep up faster than I thought. No pain meds were given. I will need to breathe this one out of my own.

To be honest, I think I came home too early. My body could have used another few more days in the hospital. But my heart was done; I needed to be home and even if my body wasn’t really ready. The last few days have been a struggle; I have very little energy. I get tired very easily. Climbing up and down the stairs is a once a day activity. I go up once and come down the stairs once. Nothing more. The children for the most part have to help out a lot more. I rely on them and my father-in-law as J is still in out of state.

I ordered a lot of stuff from Weee!, which arrived this afternoon. I instructed the children and my father-in-law on how to make wonton soup. As I send it up the stairs for bedtime, the children and my father-in-law feasted on wonton soup, and tomorrow I start my sourdough starter from scratch.

There are things I have to do in the coming months that will require a lot of mental energy, such as a living trust… It just feels so overwhelming that I barely have the mental wherewithal to do it, and yet I know how important it is that I followed through on these checklist items.

J is expected home this Saturday. Him being away has not been the easiest especially when the children get crazy and start fighting. I let them figure it out to a point. Then they need to turn down their crazy.