Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s not like I’ve been waiting anxiously since yesterday. I slept for about 5 hours last night. It’s the wait…that’s always the worst. I’m just trying to breathe it all out and take things in stride. But the reality is this truly is a “life or death” type situation for me. It’s actually me against the cancer. The boredom has set in, mainly because the internet connection at the “hotel” is just trash. I can barely scroll through IG. What else am I supposed to do? I can barely watch any streaming…I can’t even get connected enough to read a book. J and I headed to the ETC at 7:45am to see the real deal with the STX machine. The transplant coordinator said it’s been down since Friday, and the hospital was trying to fix it. I mean…this should be all hands on deck fixing this machine, no? I’m not the only one in this situation where it’s a race against time.

The check-in nurse said that it was still down, they hope to have it up and running today. J and I decided to get breakfast since the hotel breakfast consisted of…bread and jam. So much for continental breakfast. We sat and ate our breakfast outside. Since it was early it was just the two of us and nice to sit there in the silence catching Pokemon in the crisp morning. I wouldn’t trade the craziness of the kids but sometimes I just look at them like…aren’t you tired? Cause I’m tried. Newsflash: They are not tired. Not even a little bit.

J decided to drive home to get some stuff done for work and shower. Sitting in the hotel room just staring at the walls with limited internet isn’t exactly fun. I called the ETC at 11:00am to ask if the STX machine was fixed yet, still nothing…might as well nap. The room is crisp also! I hid under the covers (and yes I checked for bed bugs!) until I couldn’t anymore and took a hot shower to warm myself up. I sat down to text J about bringing back Q-tips since I forgot to pack them and ETC called me. 2:30pm appointment for blocking, then labs afterwards. It’s happening. The relief. I’m not going to harass J while he’s home…everyone deserves a break. He needs a break for cancer…but truly the only way to get a break from cancer is to be away from me for a little while. The children will be getting out of school, so it’ll be nice for them to see him. Of course I head over early to try and make sure that I have plenty of time. But with absolutely no reception the only thing I can do is wait and write in notes. I have a 2:30pm blocking and it’s now 2:00pm – I’m still waiting for my labs to get done. When I exited the hotel a nice man with a suit gives me a water bottle. Super kind of him. While it doesn’t seem like much; I appreciated the kindness.

Season 3 Ep 9 of Designated Survivor was difficult to watch. Emily helped her mother commit suicide because of her advanced cancer. I fast forwarded the episode and eventually just turned the show off. Tonight I watched it in full and I would never do that to my children. Oof. Not a great episode.

I’m all marked up and ready for radiation tomorrow. Off to a full night sleep tonight.