Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I didn’t accomplish too much this weekend though L is fully packed for his class trip. Both children are camped out on the floor and J is sleeping next to me. I am not able to relax to sleep and I should sleep since I am going to need all my energy soon. I’ll only get maybe 6 hours of sleep a night with the vitals and such. Day time will only be a few hours of napping here and there. Uninterrupted sleep won’t be a reality for a while.

The music is on go help the children sleep. It relaxes me but not tonight. A few friends insisted on re-doing the meal train again. I feel so guilty for asking the community to support my children again; they truly have been amazingly wonderful. This time it’ll just be my father in law and the children. J has just eaten my hospital meals as I rarely have much of an appetite. Sometimes a few spoonfuls of yogurt is what I’m able to choke down. It’s rare I eat an actual meal so instead of the food going to waste – J eats it. He’s not usually in the mood to eat either. It’s hard to be cheery and excited for food when you’re not feeling well or your significant other is in the fetal position just holding on to each breath. He did mention the breakfast burritos were pretty good. I had a few bites last week when we were at the hospital getting my CT Scans.

I want to take in the quiet of the room, the smell of the bed, the kids shifting and stretching. The way the AC sounds when it kicks in. The way the cool air feels on my skin and the way that air smells when combined with everyone in the room – it smells safe, it smells like home, it smells like love and the reason to keep living.

We’ve been binge watching “Designated Survivor” and by we I mean mostly me. The children sit down for episodes here and there. Though tonight’s episode was pretty awful. Emily’s mother was wanting to stop fighting her cancer and wanted assisted suicide. While the children may not know the words “assisted suicide” they understood what was being talked about. L looked at me with tears and I immediately told him “I’m gonna fight and keep fighting.” I held his hand and told him that Mama was going to keep going and keep going! That this transplant wasn’t a bandaid this was to cure me and we gotta always keep the positive energy going and keep on moving.

When J and I caught a private moment today he also mentioned how amazing L was. He’s really really stepped up and dealing with this at his age – it’s not easy as an adult but for him. I can’t imagine how hard it has been and how he has had to navigate those fears and feelings at such a young age. I asked if there was anything I could do to just reward him in some way. He said he had everything he needed. But then asked if he could lay with me and ask for a chance to sleep next to me again. Ever since I got kicked in the stomach by him – we’ve had a nope to sleeping next to me. He’s a wild sleeper. Even as a baby I would often have a baby foot by my face or he would next level it to just sleeping ON my face.

I agreed that we could revisit it. I have always co-slept. It’s what works for our family. It’s a closeness and a comfort. It’s the knowledge that we are all together. At one time we used to have the 6 of us in one room. 2 adults, 2 kids and 2 doggos – it was an experience that’s for sure. One dog would have a dream, one kid would wake up for a feeding, the other kid would need to be changed and the other dog would awooooo at this own shadow. J would be completely passed out. I am 100000% calling his sleeping as* out!

Those days were an experience. Exhaustion doesn’t do it justice. I don’t necessarily miss the chaos or sleep deprivation but do miss the togetherness of it all.

A few last minute things to pack including chia seeds. J thinks I have lost my mind. But in all honesty it’s great protein. So when I’m struggling to eat it at least helps me a bit. I didn’t really need the oyster crackers as much but I might bring a couple just in case. I will say their orange sherbet was BOMB. Sometimes it was the only thing I would eat. Not exactly healthy but I could choke it down.

All the other desserts were awful. Though I never got to try their tiramisu. They were always out of it so I settled for sherbet. Their spaghetti wasn’t bad and the burger was decent according to J – I mean it’s hospital food. It’s only so good. I’m going to try to scroll my way to bed.