Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I had to “twofer” my first chemo round back in March. I had to “twofer” my transplant clearance. But I will not be “twofering” my transplant. I used two “twofers” so – I am putting out there that this transplant is a one hit wonder and will carry me into my 90’s.

A friend told me today that I will look back at this and be happy that it was only a short period of time. Truth be old, I already am. I’m not happy I had cancer, the last 6 months fighting this was hard, physically, emotionally and mentally. All of it. It all sucked. But I got blessed with clarity. I got to see my mistakes, and got to recognize how my priorities we’re screwed up. I think back to the John Wick movie, his headstone was “Husband”. Mine will be Wife, Mother, Sister and Friend. That’s all that matters especially in light of how this world has completely lost its mind. Whatever political road anyone stands on – the loss of life…there are no words. The sad reality is, that most of the world lives like this, in constant war…constant fear…constant carnage.

I know I have first world problems…and while cancer sucks, I have roof over my head, I have health insurance, I have food on the table and clothing to keep me warm. Cancer is awful, but looking at the big picture…it’s first world problems.

I am grateful for this life I have. I am grateful for the friends on the other side of the country and burning up in Texas that check in on me. I’m grateful for high school friends that will fly across the country to sit with me for 4 days, be afraid to text me because they don’t want to hear bad new but are thinking of me. I’m grateful for former colleagues that are just friends now that remind me that I’m loved and share amazing food porn with me and make Miracle Broth for me to feed not only my heart but also my body. I’m grateful for the friends where we had a falling out, but have seen a pathway to be friendly again. I’m also extremely grateful for the people who don’t check in on me – I have the clarity and can move on. No forgiveness or forgetting needed…just move on. (Love me some TS).

5 days before the start of the marathon. I have butterflies and I’m a mixed bag of emotions right now. The mood swings are REAL, happy and scared in 0.5 seconds. I am having a hard time focusing on TV even, I watch a show for a few minutes then pause. I’m finding it difficult to relax, truly relax. I elude to what’s next but find myself unable to just say it out loud. It’s like being a kid again, knowing I aced the test but when asked about how I felt I did, I would just say “I think I did okay.” I don’t know why I am that way. Always afraid of the other shoe falling. I wish I could just be eternally hopeful and positive. (Hi, It’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me! – TS) I’m going to her movie tonight…I’m very excited about it. I bought the ticked at 4:00am this morning. I was not going to go out Friday the 13th, even if she is a 13 fan. I’m not. No thank you. S and I will have our TS Night together and since there’s no school on Friday…we sleep in a relax. I have two doctors appointments today and hydration that I might only do 1.5 hours so that I can be home for the kiddos. I didn’t schedule it correctly because I forgot the children had minimum days this week.

I’m almost packed…I think I have everything but even if I forget, I can ask J to get it. I am missing my pillow and blankets. I have to launder them before I bring them to the hospital. Why are doctors always late? I get it – you have many many patients, but why…why are they always late to appointments. At least I’m waiting at home and get to watch TV as well. She’s almost 30 minutes late to the appointment. I have to leave by 11:30am for my next appointment so it might just be on the road. Shrug.

So apparently the doctor’s office gave me the wrong zoom address, so I just was on hold for 30 minutes. Oh well. On a positive, my A1C came back as 5.1 – so I’m no longer on watch.

The coach of L’s team just sent out a text that has me triggered again. He makes me want to slap him with my whole hand.

I so want to stir the pot and say “Per the Commissioner of the League, children are not to be left alone at the Great Park. Per your conversation with the Commissioner this was clearly communicated and that behavior would not occur again.” Narcissistic men give me a thrill to cut down. It makes my heart skip a beat. I sent the screen shot to M, she knows how desperately I want to stir the pot.