Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Friday evening and all of Saturday was spent with an ice pack and pain meds. Wow. Felt no pain during the procedure but so much delightful pain afterwards. Besides slow walking it to the bathroom – I laid in bed. I didn’t even have it in me to watch TV. I scrolled mindlessly through social media until I got tired and then napped. J took the children to see a baseball game – 3 tickets $27, in fact parking cost more. The children for the most part had a good time and had good attitudes. I’m happy they were able to go do something fun and even happier that they enjoyed the experience. Sometimes these boogers come back angry and upset a and you still there wondering 1) why did I take them to do this and 2) why is everyone all mad

So it’s a win in my book when everyone comes home relatively happy. I have very low standards at this point.

L had a birthday party today so he was off with his friends for the majority of the day. I napped in between the 9ers game and the Jets game. Taylor was all over media and the game and it screwed with my algorithm of pet videos. I got more Taylor then doggo on my feed today. Very disappointed. My doggo videos make everything better.

I woke up at 2:15am – like wide awake not even remotely added to having to get up to pee and I was fully awake and on social media combing through more Taylor Swift in my feed. S rolled in around 3:30am saying that her stomach hurt and asking if she could lay with me. I scooted over and welcomed her into my pre-warmed blanket and spot as I slid into the colder part of the bed. I patted her to sleep but never actually fell back asleep. I was too paranoid she’d roll off the bed. When J left for work I slid onto his side of the bed. She woke up a few minutes later looking for me. I told her I was right here and she proceeded to snuggle up right next to me and said “I was scared I couldn’t find you.” I patted her on her back and told her to go back to sleep. I co-slept with her far too long per J. It was mostly for me in all honesty and the fact that I hated laying on the ground next to her crib and then slink away like a ninja. I always got caught. I was never good enough to leave the room unnoticed. She inevitably would pop up and say “Maaaaa” and stick her little hand between the crib slats like a baby prisoner. I would have to go back to laying on the ground and hold her hand. 6 out of 7 nights I would wake up on the ground at 4:00am. No pillow or blanket just passed out on the ground next to her crib. It was a few months of this that I decided I was not going to do that anymore. We would just co-sleep. She was small enough to be tucked between J and I, plus she had this wonderful habit of NOT moving much in her sleep.

We co-slept well into first grade. Zero regrets. Our only challenge is my picc line on my left side. But I find myself waking up more when she’s next to me to cover her or make sure she’s not too close to the edge. L is an awful sleeper – one kick to the face and I ended the co-sleeping. We can nap together but that’s it. Any longer I’ll end up getting kicked in the face or kidney. No thank you. I love you but your sleep abuse is a no thank you for me.

Nurse A and I exchanged numbers today at infusion. We have grown close over the last 6 months and she’s been a great support to me. Just helping me mentally shake the nonsense and keep me focused on what matters and what doesn’t matter.

Like the awesome mom I am – I totally forgot about the parent teacher conference I signed up for. Even though I wrote it on TWO different calendars. I still took my chemo meds and took a nap. I’m a real winner. Thankfully S’s teacher is a complete angel and was super forgiving. Totally exited my brain despite written reminders and me actually saying to myself this morning; don’t forget the parent teacher conference. Mom of the year!

Both children are out with their respective friends. J is on the computer and I’m watching Netflix waiting for the rice cooker to ding. I can confirm there is NOTHING on any of these streaming platforms. I’ve binged all my crime shows and now I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel with Love Again. This is low point. I fear that Hallmark specials next. Send halp and a welfare checkup. Full disclosure I actually like the Hallmark specials – but not every single one. I am selective even in this genre. Crime dramas are still my favorite – even if watching them alone makes me question all my choices and I have to sleep with the lights on. I finished the usual suspects, CSI, NCIS, Rookie, Criminal Minds…couldn’t find FBI International or FBI Most Wanted on my streaming platforms. So now it’s… Netflix.