Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

My days blur together. I don’t think it’s chemo brain though…I think it’s a lack of purpose. I’ve had to re-evaluate myself heavily since the cancer diagnosis. Who am I without my profession? I’ve been looking into Cricut system because my A has one. Am I a crafts person? I feel like I don’t think that’s fully me. The scene with Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep when she asks him “What should I do? Shouldn’t I find something to do?“ and Stanley Tucci asks “What is it you REALLY like to do?” Without a blink, she says “EAT!” And she spoke to my soul…

But even that is limited for me. I’m still dying to choke down the 1/4 cup of milk I poured for myself this morning. I eat so that I can take my pills, otherwise there is no appetite – Well…Meryl….I guess I’m not good at eating. But I was never a foodie, I baked as a hobby but never as a real enjoyment like others. I don’t know if I can see myself making crafts, jams, cookies…etc. What am I good at? I have no idea. I know what I’m not good at; organizing, cleaning, makeup, gardening…I think maybe I should list things I’m actually good at otherwise the not good at will be too long.

I am good at…yep….I’m stuck.

I have to find a new identity. Work has been such a part of me as well as my identity that without it…I don’t really know. Eventually I have to go back to work, but it’ll never be the same intensity as before. I’ll never again put corporate work over my family and friends. But I need to have purpose as well. I didn’t think it would be this hard.

Google says: I have to develop a growth mindset, create a personal vision statement, give back, practice gratitude, turn pain into purpose, explore your passion, be a part of the community and spend time with people who inspire me. It says that everyone has a particular set of talents, experiences, skill sets and interests. That purpose is the long game. I know that my purpose isn’t tied to Corporate America, but what then is my purpose tied to? I don’t expect to unpack this in a post, but realize that I do have to think about it.

Right now my week days are filled with labs, infusion, taking my meds, dishes, laundry…maybe defrosting something to cook for dinner. It’s not super exciting stuff here, but it’s a check box. I try to participate at home where I can, but when the cup is empty there isn’t much checking of any boxes.

I certainly didn’t do much today but managed to complete laundry and dishes. It’s almost noon, so I’ll try to tidy the bedroom.