Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It went from just giving birth to double digits to a tween. My mind still can’t wrap my brain around this. Tomorrow starts the routine again, labs then infusion, pick up Walmart and cake. I asked if he wanted a party or celebration with his friends – he said he only wanted to have a dinner with me. Every birthday is special. Every event is a gift, I find myself loving him more and more everyday. When he comes home with an excited “Hi Mama” I find my heart skips a beat. I read that your first born is akin to your first love – nothing compares. My love for him is different, it took a lot for us to walk through these years together. I am not a “gentle parent” and had to learn how to teach him, love him, discipline him and help guide him. Potty training was an interesting feat…and quickly learned “toys” were a motivator. Every time he used the potty he would get a marble in a vase. Small marbles for #1 and big marbles for #2. Once he filled the jar we would go to the store and he was allowed to pick out one toy of his choice. Two weeks later, he was out of diapers and negotiating for bigger toys.

Learning to walk was hysterical. He had this Fisher Price Walker Toy that would click and play music when the wheels spun. I was in the kitchen washing dishes when the music was going and I thought J was pushing him and I actually yelled for him to stop pushing the baby. He yelled back and said “He’s going on his own.” I didn’t even shut the water off and ran into the living room to see my little man hailing as*!! The music was rolling and this baby was booking it! He was so excited and with such a happy look on his face. Like he knew he connected the dots! He was so proud! I’ll never forget his face and his slobbery smile.

Now my little man is no longer the baby that wants to be held by me. Damn those years went fast. Now he calls and texts if he can hang out with his friends. He’s usually out with his friends in his free time. But that’s good, as much as I want to hold on – I have to let go. It’s good for him. It’s good for him to have good friends and even more important to have a strong social bond. I just miss my gummy slobbery baby. When I would fly for business (which I hated) any time I would hit turbulence I would flip through baby photos. Looking at those photos would calm me down through the bumps. They still do. When I’m anxious now I flip through photos to help ease my anxiety especially when Baba Yaga talks too much.

I read a social media blast about some actress that was diagnosed with AML and then Breast Cancer and of course Baba Yaga started yapping. I had actually gone to get a mammogram before the dentist in March and they found a lymph node that was enlarged and asked that I come back in 6 weeks for an ultrasound. At the ultrasound – I was asked to schedule a biopsy which I did. But it was all around the time I got diagnosed with AML. Dr C saw the scans and denied the biopsy – (he’s not only specializes in hematology but also in breast cancer) he called the ultrasound tech and told them basically “No. No biopsy she has leukemia.” I miss Dr C, I felt safe with him. Like I knew I was going to be okay under his care. Dr G isn’t bad but he doesn’t have the same Dr C swag haha. Dr C just has that je ne sais quoi!

Tonight we feast on hot pot – he said he didn’t remember requesting this meal. I replayed the conversation this morning and he looked at me like nope. Bro, I have chemo brain but I don’t make up conversations. He says he doesn’t remember but is happy about hot pot. Tomorrow I have his bulgogi which is his favorite, we haven’t had that in a long while. He requested a lemon Bundt cake for his birthday cake.