Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s a different perspective now – Fridays to me are now when the children are home and will be wild and crazy. J will be home from work and less stressed. The house is full of noise. Last weekend I couldn’t fill my cup. I was tired and couldn’t hold firm to any shred of energy. Labs today look good my hemo rose to 8.4 and that’s comforting.

I didn’t sleep well last night – I couldn’t get comfortable. I woke up when the alarm finally rang at 6:30am which is a change from the 4:30am wakefulness.

S asked me to attend the game that started at 7:00pm; I truly didn’t think I’d have it in me and I didn’t want to embarrass her. Parents gawked of course – I have an electric blanket, a hair cap and a mask on…I stand out. But she didn’t seem to care one bit. She said “Let them stare Mama!” L has been getting made fun of at school and kids ask him “When is your Mom going to die?” – I don’t know how to help him navigate this but I do tell him that one day I will but it’s when you no longer need me; until then I’ll be with you. He said he’ll always need me. I hate the subject of mortality – scientists and philosophers have long debated this other side. Life goes on and you will be forgotten when there’s no one left that you love remembers you. And that’s okay for me. I don’t want to be remembered in history or do great things like that. I want a life with those I love loving me back.

My whole body is killing me today. The field was uneven and my legs were really struggling to keep me upright. The girls played well but ultimately lost the game though there were snacks given – so that was a highlight. I’m preparing snacks next week, capri sun, pretzels, pocky, apple sauce and an orange and maybe a fruit roll up. I gotta come in proper lol. Sports mom apparently judge you by your snacks. I never knew that was a thing until L did peewee baseball. Then it was all about the snacks. I was slightly horrified that it was an actual thing. Did you get the good mini arrowhead waters or did you just Walmart the waters? Were the gummy snacks organic? Was it GMO, PPO, HMO free? F*ck if I know? They were on sale at the grocery store. I messed up big time – the snacks were not up to par. I got store brand snacks.

Parents judge super hard these days but I find it funny because we are from the generation that drank from a f*cking garden hose. Or did Californians not do that sh*t? Cause if you didn’t drink from a damn as* garden hose that wasn’t even your f*cking house – then yea you’d probably judge my snack choices. But how about this; I felt like absolute trash last night and walk two football field lengths to watch my kids play her first game. I sat away from people, clapped when our team scored or was successful. I wrapped myself in a blanket to keep myself warm so I didn’t look visibly in pain. I wore my mask and hair cap so I didn’t scream the word Cancer but any adult with half a brain could use some deductive reasoning. Be here for your kids on the field and maybe not pay attention to me. But if you’re gonna gawk…gawk. I can only control my actions.