Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I can barely keep my eyes opened after 8:30pm and I know that lights must be off by 9:00pm so that quickly afterwards I can sleep. However as of the last 4 weeks I wake up between 3:30am – 4:30am. I will roll around from left to right side of the bed trying to fall asleep but normally I just stay awake. This morning I took an hour and half nap between and was up again at 6:30am. I googled this symptom in cancer patients; it’s quite common hence the sleeping pill prescription.

Today was rather quiet 10:30am my refill of chemo pills arrived. I did the dishes and the laundry – that’s all I had in me. This evening however L told J that he’s getting roasted at school for his clothing by this kid TM. Of course I went into as*hole mode and said “Ask him if he’s off his medication.” L says ummm I can’t say that cause he has ADHD and that would get me in trouble. I side eyed my kid and say fine “Ask him if he is okay” and make a face like he’s off his medication and walk a walk. Am I going to tell my kid to ignore it, to an extent, but let’s face it kids are as*holes and adults are as*holes. There too many of them to ignore. So I explained to him that I have very few friends, very few – because people are as*holes and I don’t have time or energy to deal with their bullsh*t. But I get it in school being cool was a thing and it’s tough because again kids are as*holes. I always want him to come to me because I want him to know that I have his back even if that means I spend a night making fun of this kid and flat out calling him a retard. Don’t come for me. In my time that was a thing. If you need a safe space, this blog isn’t for you. I make fun of this kids stupid cone hair and the face that he just looks like a moron. But remind my kid that people are as*holes – you can’t fix it or change them. And truly do you want to be friends with someone who is just a d*ckface? So their words only have value if you give them value. That’s all well and done when you’re an adult but when you’re an adolescent – nope. You want to fit in. I never fit in.

Odd snacks. Poor. My parents never on the PTA. No one was ever my advocate. I just had to figure it out. Did it make any popular? Nope. I wasn’t the kids that ate glue but I certainly wasn’t the popular girl that everyone hung out with. I had a couple of friends and that was enough. I was mostly a loner that went to class and took my latch key a*s home. I was too poor to have birthday parties so unless the parent forced their kid to invite the whole class, I certainly didn’t get an invitation. I didn’t get invited to sleepovers, because we didn’t have sleepovers. Kids are cruel. It builds character though…I’m an as*hole because of it. I have little to zero tolerance of jerks and bs. Because of how I grew up, if you don’t like me…keep moving. But if you step, I’ll finish it.

I certainly would rather my kid not grow up how I did, but I certainly don’t need him to be popular. It puts a target on your back, popular keeps the eyes on you. I want him to be in the middle of the pack…have his friends and a good guy. That’s about it. Not popular and not the kid who eats glue. Average. Because looking back, the popular girls in elementary school…fell from grace, still live in the same small town….and truly are the same as they were in 5th grade. Some are wildly successful, but not because of popularity. I would love for my kid to be surrounded by good friends…a small group of good friends. That’s it. I never envied the girls with a squad of friends, because queen bee needed to be perfect, the best of it all…I am just too lazy for that. I don’t have that kind of level of effort. I don’t want to be anyone’s queen bee. Exit stage left!

I like my very small friend group, we go weeks without talking, sometimes months…and pick up just where we left off. They are with me throughout this nasty cancer, by phone and text. I get memes to just brighten up my day. I get a sassy cat photo or a meme about running diarrhea…that text is meaningful. It’s the time they chose to spend on me. That’s the gratitude for those friendships. My entire work team after 5 years has not reached out to me at all since I got cancer. People are as*holes. Lower your expectation and never be disappointed.

The next preteen/teen years are scary. I can’t fight their battles and I can’t defend them at every turn, they will need to navigate it. But I will be there for them. I will make fun of the bullies and call them every obscene name – because I can. I won’t be able to mend their heart when someone breaks it for the first time, but I sure will be there with Toni Braxton and make them laugh. That’s the story I want to continue writing.

There is a dedication beam for the sister hospital of COH. When I was getting labs Nurse J asked me if I had signed the beam. I said I hadn’t…she suggested I should as it would be on the very top of the new hospital. That I won’t be using because I will not need it – I will be cancer free. (That’s what I’m putting out in the universe). I only need this center right now for labs and transfusions. This hospital is set to open in 2025.

Labs tomorrow, hopefully no transfusion.