Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

S wanted me to take her to school today. She just didn’t want to bike so I obliged and took her to school. I found the same leftover Chinese food sitting on the dining table that I asked L to throw away at 7:30pm the night before and had to re-ask him at 7:30am to please follow through. The adolescent years are here at my doorstep. The broken records of reminding, re-reminding and re-re-reminding – the yelling that follows the 100th reminder except I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the energy to yell. So it’s become – logical rational conversation of “Hey, I’m not the jerk here. I asked you to do this at 7:30pm and now 12 hours later…it’s still not done. So now I’m going to interrupt your TV and you need to do it this very second.” I used to be the meme about the mom who would tell people that the windows are open cause it’s Spring and there’s gonna be yelling but that’s cause it was after the 99th reminder. I’m too tired to yell actually to be quite honest I’m too tired to even go back and forth. These days I just say “ok” because it’s easier. I know that’s terrible parenting. But my cup is empty. My cup is consistently empty and I don’t know how to fill it these days.

Just like that my first born will be an adolescent. Where did the time go? Everyone says the nights are long but the years are short. I wholeheartedly see that with both heart and soul. In a blink my baby and his binky turned in to a semi-moody preteen. My baby that slept 13-15 hours a day and I would watch him sleep like a total creeper. I would listen to him breathe and look at this little hands and little eyelashes flutter. I failed him all the time to be honest. I couldn’t figure out breastfeeding and couldn’t figure out formula balance. I struggle with milk production and he didn’t latch. So like any great mother with postpartum depression I berated myself and pumped every two hours 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I was a milk pumping zombie. But once my body figured it out – we had to buy a deep freezer for the 80 gallons.

Today is a perfectly gloomy day. I love gloomy days and it does the opposite for me as most people get a little depressed – I’m happy. I can walk outside and my skin doesn’t hurt when doing so. I was going to bring donuts yesterday but I didn’t have the energy to do so. This morning S asked me to drop her off so I didn’t get a chance. I DoorDashed Bagels for the nurses today. When I was at the hospital I frequently brought bagels and donuts for the nurses – but I have been going to this infusion center since May and I realize I haven’t done one act of kindness to thank these wonderful people. Shame on me. I need to be more cognizant of my gratitude and attitude. They are my advocates. They are my best and worst day but always encourage me to stay strong and stay focused. They have been my encouragement. I need to remember my gratitude and how grateful I am and have been. This marathon is still on going.