Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s 4:18am another early morning. S slept in my room again, we fell asleep holding hands again. I was too tired last night for shenanigans. L and J were horsing around acting a fool – so I came up stairs to be away from the craziness. I did manage to tidy my room yesterday and semi get all the medication in order. There are a lot of pill bottles.

I was successful in organizing the pill bottles, while there are still a crap ton of pills, they are at least neat. I sold off the “motorcycle” after 3 years of posting it on Facebook. It was a riding attachment to our bikes where the kids could “ride” or “pedal” – both kids had a wonderful time on it. We had the Burley Trailer for a long while also, but that was sold off pretty quickly when both kids just didn’t fit inside. The “motorcycle” I kept for longer than I should have but I was always nervous that S wouldn’t be able to keep up. So she was always attached to me. Somehow it just felt better when she was connected – I felt more at ease. I’m trying to sell the Ninebot Scooters as well, after my accident…I just felt uneasy with the kids on it. Those things could hurt you. So now it’s just in the garage collecting some dust because I’m too afraid of letting the kids ride them.

Labor Day weekend is coming up – the kids are headed to my sister’s for a get together. I won’t be able to join them as I am still severely neutropenic so I can only be home but will be watching the doggos while M goes camping up north. The doggos are brothers, and are currently with M living their best lives. Cheese Tax, Salmon Tax, Shrimp Tax….Kobe Beef Tax…you name it they’d are taxing it. M is spoiling Hampig rotten. At home he gets kibble, no tax required. Break Kibble, Lunch Kibble, Snack Kibble and Dinner Kibble. If you want a late night Kibble snack, I’ll have kibble there too! Hampig is what she calls my doggo. I find it funny and cute at the same time so the nickname sticks.

My hair is falling out is horrible clumps, kids tell me they are no scared or embarrassed by me. I can’t tell if they are lying to protect me or not. I will however wear my hat again at least in public. Not only cause I’m self aware of the literal bald patches, but also because the sun hurts my scalp. Tomorrow’s lab draws will determine if Blood/Platelets are needed. I really hope not, I really hope that I’m starting to stabilize and climb through this.

My Dad stopped by this evening, he brought some things for the kids and some papaya for me. I didn’t tell him that the cancer returned nor did I tell him that I was in the hospital. Why? Truth be told…why tell him? He can’t fix it, he can’t change it…he’s in his 80’s why torment him with this. He feared up when he said I love you to me when he left. It can’t be easy for him to see his daughter go through this. I can’t imagine the helplessness or the pain. No parent wants to see their child suffer and be hurt. Everyone parent just wants their children to be healthy and happy.

J is anxious about me giving myself medication while he is north. I told him I would be fine, and that I could do it. He’s not convinced. It may take a little longer, but I am confident that I am able to do it. He needs a break from me, from cancer, from being a care taker, from diving me from one appointment to another. Going north gives him an opportunity to recharge, revenged, and reenergize. He is kinder when he gets to reset. He is less moody and angry. These are all great things. The children get away from my cancer also, they get to be loud, crazy kids…as they should be.

Tomorrow starts off the labs again. Here we go…