Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I had a miserable night, nausea and a migraine. S laid down in my bed with me as she watched her iPad and held my hand until I fell asleep. I woke up at 2:56am to her lightly baby snoring. That’s what I call her deep sleep breathing. Even as a baby she would baby snore and it was absolutely the most comforting sound. I made the mistake of skipping my Kytril – bad move. The IV antibiotic amplified all the nausea in one sweep. J couldn’t flush the white lumen on my picc and we both were freaked out. I texted him R and as always she came to my rescue –

She is just amazing and has been my absolute strength throughout this cancer. It took a bit or shuffling but J finally got it and we heparinized it. But because I decided to skip anti nausea medication I was a wreck for the remainder of the evening and went to bed.

S slept next to me and I woke up a second time this morning at 7:30am to this. There is no greater feeling of love then this. Her little hand in mine. It’s quiet in the house right now. Everyone is still asleep. I’m looking at my hair covered pillow and bedsheets.

There’s the cytarabine working, I’ll need to vacuum the pillow and wash it today. I had only recently stopped wearing my head cap and starting to not feel as self conscious but here it goes again. I’m not going to say I’m okay, a little sad still to see the clumps of hair fall out. It’s a process. It means the cytarabine is working and means it’s trying to kill the cancer in me. While mentally I understand and accept it. Emotionally, it is sad. By now most of L’s friends have seen my hair and a few of S’s friends have caught a glimpse. I mostly try to stay hidden. I need to try and scrub/comb some of this hair out. Plan for the day, shower and deshed, vacuum sheets and pillow, tidy up the bedroom (the number of pill bottles scattered everywhere is intense). That’s my goal for the day. Small but it’ll do.