Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I’ve been waking up between 3:00am-4:00am the last few days. I don’t know if it’s the hydration that is forcing my bladder to wake up earlier or I just can’t sleep. The mind is going into awful places. I had a dream that it was time for my to say goodbye. I had the oxygen tube under my nose and I saw how frail and sickly I looked. I don’t like that at all. Yes one day I’ll be there but not yet. I still have babies to raise. Not yet.

I’m tired and mentally preparing myself for the very long day ahead at the infusion center to get blood and platelets transfusion. During my rounds of outpatient chemo I didn’t need any transfusion because my stats never dropped that low. The only time I needed it was at the hospital during my first hospitalization with 7 + 3. During my second hospitalization I only needed a unit of blood however recovering from outpatient after release has been challenging. It worries me that even with the blood and platelets my stats continue to drop. I see more bruising on my arms and legs, the blood pressure cuff hurts me and bruises me. I am very careful with sharp objects and stay within the confines of my allowed spaces (office and bedroom). The warnings from the doctors have been pretty loud and clear.

I’m deciding if I should bring my computer today or just leave it at home. It’s going to be a solid 6 hours of labs, premeds, transfusions and more labs. It can get rather boring. I have the chargers and cables to ensure I’m fully with power and there’s WiFi but there’s only so much TV you can watch before you’re just bored.

Hurricane Hillary is expected to turn CA into a wet wonderland. I doubt it. The hype makes me laugh…out East a hurricanes was a thing below the Mason Dixon but yea up in NY they could be a few streets new JFK that got flooded. This is no Noah’s arch. I finally made it downstairs to have some breakfast at 5:00am. There is a light drizzle of rain; as I guessed…just enough to be annoying and get my car dirty.

I heated up rice porridge for the kids when they wake up; I had some as well. I packed the iPad and the neck pillow so that I’ll be comfortable in the chair for the next 6 hours.

It was lightly drizzling on our drive to the infusion center. J was tired this morning; I hate that I drag him to these early morning appointments especially when he gets very little sleep as it is. The infusion center is quiet at 6:30qm. There’s light classical music in the background, keyboard clacking and mouse clicking. Nothing stirring yet, blood is 2 hours, platelets are 3 hours plus labs, flushes and post labs – I’ll be home around 4ish this afternoon. Maybe I’ll order the ceviche for J.

I brought my laptop, but the wifi here isn’t that strong. I can check email and look at stuff on Google, but its not strong enough to play games on my computer. I have a really good feeling about this bag of platelets because it’s not only me exact blood type but it’s also my exact HLA type. I passed out after premeds, and took a 2 hour nap. Now I feel energized for a blueberry muffin, apple juice and some popcorn. I’d rather not eat the mountain of chips they have offered. It’s pretty cold in the infusion center, but I have a hard time regulating my temperature so it could just be me. I have my ski jacket on as well as my hat and fuzzy socks so that at least I can try to retain some heat.

S texted me at 7:15am that she’s bored. I like the kids being bored, it’s okay to be bored…sometimes figuring out boredom is a good thing. This week home has been full of drama. Not only from my end with my stats dropping way faster than they are being replenished but also life drama. Sometimes it’s easier just to keep distance from people. Again and again, The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The theme of my youth was “what goes around, comes around.” – It played out over and over in my younger years. Now with more years in my life, it’s this quote.

I started to write about family drama and while I wanted to be honest and put my true feelings on it. I decided that ultimately it wouldn’t serve me. Cancer hasn’t made me soft, but cancer has given me a new found gratitude. I’m still a savage in my own category and will stir the pot when the moment is right. But I decided simply that that person will become persona non grata and will no longer be welcomed. I will not allow excuses to be made for their behavior and will not allow an explanation of “they can’t help it.” While I accept they can’t help it, and accept the myriad of reason why they are this way. At the end of the day, it doesn’t serve me or my children…and simply they will no longer be welcomed. This is the third and final strike.

Moving on…the rain has been steady. Platelets have just completed, and I’m getting hydration in between the transfusion to give myself a break as well as waiting an hour before the post labs can be drawn to see how far I went up from a 6. I left the infusion center yesterday at 15 and overnight it dropped more than half so really hoping that I am in the 30s after this bag of platelets.