Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I screwed up today…like major miscalculations…the true essence of poor life choices. The 4 different chemotherapies, antibiotics, antifungals is the perfect store for constipation. So I thought I would help support the cause with a little prune juice. I had two. You know, you can’t clench liquid, and when the prune juice hits – it hits. Yes I did make it to the bathroom in time…but OMG I was scared. It’s true what they say, if you have some prune juice…don’t trust a fart. Your fart will 10000000% betray you. These are some wise words of wisdom.

Away from the literal sh*t talk. My eyesight is getting blurrier Dr P said it was because of the cytarabine and eye drops that I’m using – chemo effects the lens of your eyes – and apparently very common. Dr P said that if my numbers continue to hold steady there could be a possibility that I could be released to outpatient and go home. That would be incredible to be home with the kids and be apart of the first day of school. I’ve been apart of first day of school photos since they started school. We have a routine, we get up early and make pancakes then each kiddo sits on the stairs and I take a few dozen and a half photos. Goofy, serious, weird…we do all the poses. It is then a fixture. This year’s photos are extra special.

I have discovered the best yums on the menu – orange sherbet. I haven’t had one in ages and realize it’s absolutely amazing. It pairs well with a side of “cytarabine rash” which is so lovely. Because why not right? At least I have my orange sherbet to keep me company. I have been in the hospital now for a full week. After the first night of chemo where I had infusions until 10:30pm and progressively pushing it back early so I could end the chemo a little earlier. One day turned to 2 and then blinked into 5 and then it was over. No more chemo. Now the wait…the wait for the stats to drop, the wait for transfusions…the way to make sure I don’t get a fever.

The donor is currently requiring additional testing while it doesn’t mean it’s a no, it’s a right now. Of course there’s the whole thought of what ifs…what if while I’m in deep remission again and cancer comes back? Obviously I’ll have to do another aggressive round of chemo, but can I handle that again? Will my body sustain another harsh round? I don’t know. Cause let’s be real, it’s a race. It’s a race to beat this cancer with a transplant and change my genetic code so that my body understands cancer should not be copied or my body is too tired and can not withstand the chemo anymore. No one fights cancer, you hold on for dear f*cking life and pray for a better outcome. But that’s life isn’t it? When we say we’re living…are we really? Do we not hold on and hope for a better tomorrow? Without trials and tribulations how can we appreciate the sunshine? If you don’t know what bad is, how do you compare? You don’t. You couldn’t. Could you? Could you really appreciate the sunshine without rain? Cause I’m in a f*cking category 10 sh*t storm…I appreciate the good days so much more. I appreciate the days when I can ride my bike. the days when we can all go to the ocean…but would I appreciate it enough if the bad isn’t here? If I didn’t have this could I have stopped prioritizing work over my children and husband? Speaking strictly for myself…unlikely. I would continue the hustle thinking it was the right thing to do.

I’m waiting for the Benadryl, Ondansetron, Scopolamine Patch, and Compazine…My skittles of anti-nausea and the rash. I have about 3 hours before my midnight candies. Off to relax a bit more and snooze for a short nap.