Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

At the time of biopsy the cancer returned at 6%. At this point now it is estimated to have multiplied to 20%-30% I will be admitted to City of Hope in Duarte this coming Monday. I will be in the hospital for at least a week while receiving chemotherapy- then the doctor will see how I respond. If I tolerate it well, he will let me go home and do maintenance and labs outpatient. If I don’t tolerate it well, he will keep me admitted. I am not eligible for transplant at this point. This chemotherapy will be different than what I have been receiving and will be a more aggressive chemotherapy.

When I left the hospital and still had cancer – I was scared doing outpatient chemotherapy. I was afraid and not confident in myself. I walked through three months of outpatient chemotherapy. I’m still as terrified. Cancer is scary. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. It’s waiting for the other shoe to drop and it’s a horrible feeling. We don’t cherish time until we face and actual clock. Everyone knows there’s a clock, but until we see it, we don’t truly cherish it. We take things for granted, even when we know there’s a clock. This f*cking sucks. I feel sick to my stomach.

Fludarabine. Cytarabine. Doxorubicin and Veneclax. These are rough ones – Nurse R and I have remained in contact and she told me that these will be really hard but I got this. Do I? Do I really have this?

M picked me up after dinner to walk around Walmart. I sobbed the moment I got in the truck. I sobbed as she hugged me. I sobbed and told her that I was scared. I am scared. I’m terrified. J asks me what can he do for me? How can he help me? I’m blank. What do you want to do this weekend? Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it…what would make you happy? I’m numb. My mind is blank. I have no real thoughts just overwhelming fear. A paralyzing….nothingness. I don’t know what I’m thinking, or what will make me happy.

Doctors appointments. Check. Dentist. Done. Haircut. Done. Few outfits for school. Did that today! What I need to do still is hang the ribbons in S’s room and put her decals up for her wall. I have to go through L’s clothes to see what really fits and what doesn’t. He seems to wear the same 5 shirts on a weekly basis. I need to do the first day of school board in case I am not able to be apart of the first day of school. Logistics, home logistics is what’s going through my f*cking head right now. Seriously? That’s what I’m focused on? You’ve got to be kidding me. Are the bills paid? Does J know where the passwords are? Does the printer have ink? Do they kids have their child lock profiles on? I feel like I’m going off to war…WTF!

I know this time around what to pack and what NOT to pack. We should only be showing up with a very very light suitcase that will include electronics. Last time, I brought everything and the kitchen sink. I don’t want to be a pro at this. This time we are more aware of what to look out for. We know how I react when my stats drop. We know I am allergic to certain transfusions. We know more this time. Yet being better prepared for this doesn’t make this any better.

Nothing really makes this any better. My anxiety is through the roof. Another sleeping pill to sleep tonight.