Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I haven’t really been motivated to leave the bed the last few days. I’m on the verge of getting bed sores I think. M and D called to check on me but I just haven’t had it in me to be social. I’m worried about the cancer spreading, how aggressive it is this time, if this prevents me from getting a transplant…all the dark thoughts coming in like the dam broke. When I forget words, I wonder if the cancer spread to my brain…Girl, get a f*cking grip…you have leukemia not brain cancer! Pee-wee Herman died of cancer the other day also. WTF. I hate cancer.

So does everyone else at COH, or anyone else that has cancer/had cancer. It sucks. The ups and downs suck, the what it sucks, the f*cking mortality of it all…suck. Everyone is going to die, but now it’s in my face. Where is my f*cking gratitude? Where is my grateful heart? What is wrong with me? My cancer is back, that’s what’s wrong with me. I have to shake this off but. I’m struggling.

I will need to go back for something…so I know I don’t have that many feeling great days left. I’ll have access to my arms, but I’ll have my Hickman line soon. So I need to get out of bed and snap out of this. I’ve had three days to sulk and wallow…I gotta get up.

Thankfully today I had errands that physically required me to put pants and a bra on. I had to pick up my order at Walmart, return my Amazon at UPS, and pick up some bread at the bakery…it forced me to get out. Is that Newton’s law? Body in motion, stays in motion…body at rest, stays at rest? It sounds like some bullsh*t to practice, but sometimes I do find it easier to be out when I have to be out. It’s easier to stay out when I’m already out as well.

Kids have their doctor’s appointment at 1:00pm so I’ll need to go back out again. Just fed the children so I’m going to take the opportunity to lay down for a bit. Doctors appointment completed- the way the nurse stabbed the needle into L caught any off guard though. It definitely looked like it hurt him. On the way home he asked me for apples – which unfortunately we didn’t have any. Off to the store for a few apples and a side of Costco gas. I was active (even though my shirt was on inside out – S pointed that out to me after I got back from the grocery store). Thanks kid lol.

It’s 10:30pm and the nausea is hitting really hard. I really don’t want to throw up. Naturally I will lay here an suffer for the next hour or so and then finally throw up dinner…because I always think I can walk through the nausea until I can’t. J made some chicken tonight with a side of corn that was really tasty and I know it will NOT taste good coming up. I hear the doggo so he must have helped himself to our room for the evening. I’d think his bed would be more comfortable than our floor but guess not. As long as I don’t trip over him when head to the bathroom. Oof.

I am freezing. I’m under 6 layers of blankets but my extremities just can’t get warm. I’ve been using hand warmers to ward off the chill but it’s a bitter cold to the bones. J sleeps with a top sheet and I have a doubled comforter, and four blankets – I wouldn’t mind the heated blanket right now. J starts to sweat looking at me bundled up in the middle of the summer. To be fair there is AC on so it’s not like it’s 105 inside and I have blankets on. Hopefully tomorrow A will have more answers as she is talking to Dr P first. I hope to have my appointment converted to virtual at 1:20pm with Dr P but we will see what happens. For now one sleeping but pill and bed. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow.